//Surrender & Falling in Love//

So with all the build up to finishing the story, here we go. Part 1 of our story is here. 

(So head over and read that first if you haven't yet.) 

So you read correctly, we said goodbye to each other.

And by no contact, that's exactly what I mean. And it wasn't just to obey A's parents, if we have wanted to continue talking we could have. No-one regulated our Skype accounts or emails or MSN (remember the msn days!). 

But we both agreed that it was a good idea, even though hard. 

An act of surrender. 

My freshman year of college was possibly the hardest year of my life to date. A was my best friend when I left the Middle East and suddenly found myself in Oxford, England. The city of dreaming spires, of education & C.S. Lewis. 

A place I would eventually learn to love.

But that first year, I felt as though the Lord had dragged me there kicking and screaming against my will. 

It's funny because most people here in the states absolutely love the idea of going to Europe... its a dream to go, maybe even specifically to England. 

But for me, it was an adventure I didn't want. 

Here was the third culture kid part of me coming out. 

It was my 'home' country, but nothing about it felt like home. 

I think the hard part about being born British was that when I went to college, everyone expected me to be a certain way, to act a certain way. But I grew up in a very american environment. I didn't understand the British humor and jokes that people would tell. I couldn't participate in conversations about TV shows from childhood. 

After all, I rode to school on a camel (not really, but that's a common question and assumption I got haha!). 

This was a year of letting go for me.

Of truly understanding how to lean on the Lord 100%, to trust His timing for romance and provision of a spouse someday if He saw fit. I had to learn how to lean on Him, because I didn't have anything else. My best friend was out of the picture, my family in another city and all my other friends scattered across the globe.  (The Lord would bring some incredible friends into my life over the next few years!) 

The more I struggled to make friends and fit in while in England, battling with the culture, the more I leaned on the Lord. 

And I fell in love with Jesus. 

While this year was the hardest, I also look back on this season with so much envy. 

I miss how utterly dependent on Him I had to be to make it through each day. 

How my breaking heart had to seek Him to keep the pieces together.

How I remember being held in His arms at night as I cried myself to sleep countless nights in a row. 

I missed A, my friends & I struggled to trust Him daily. 

And slowly, very slowly....He became enough. 

I started out that year wanting to marry A right away after graduation. I was terrified he was going to meet another godly girl at college, someone better suited for him. A girl who loved the Lord more than I did, who would serve the Lord by His side in a way I couldn't dream of. 

Towards the end of the year, my heart was found in Jesus, no longer wrapped up in my desire to be with A.

I was already in love.

Like a girl who had surrendered her most treasured possession back to her father never knowing if she would see it again.

Then I got an email.

From a familiar guy, who was prayerfully considering along with his parents, the possibility of pursuing me with the intention of figuring out if we should get married. 

(I'll be back with more tomorrow)

This post is part of my 31 day series for the month of October, 
fighting through the fears and sharing the confusing passions I have. 
Hoping to figure out the bigger picture of all these interests.