I sign into my Instagram account when I have a few moments in my say and see a gorgeous picture of a mommy cuddling her little one in a chair early in the morning. My heart swells with joy for this sweet friend.
It wasn't always as easy to be happy for others for me, in fact if we go way back to Jr high we can perhaps pinpoint the beginning of my dilemma. Maybe it began even earlier.
Walking the halls of my school doing a circuit of the Jr high hallway loop with some friends at lunchtime, yeah we thought we were so cool. We passed my current crush with a group of his friends. As we walked closer I saw he was holding hands with one of the girls with him. I was devastated.
And immediately hated this girl. Oh the drama when you're 13 right?!?! haha.
So anyway, time passed and I hopefully matured some. Grew up and then found myself in a relationship with my husband. We were together quite a while before getting engaged since we both lived in different countries. Then some similar feelings came flooding back when another friend of mine got engaged.
What?! But I was the one waiting patiently right? We had been praying for the Lord's leading in our relationship and trying to make wise decisions. I may not have hated this friend this time, but I totally envied her. It just didn't seem fair.
Even once I was engaged, I then watched several friends get married in a few short months after becoming engaged. Of course, I had learned my lesson right? Wrong!
They should WAIT THEIR TURN! I'M NEXT!!!
Is exactly what came out of my ugly heart.
I'm even ashamed to admit that in some of these situations, I wanted nothing to do with any of these girls once they had what I wanted.
Big green monster anyone?
Finally once married, I watched several sweet friends getting married shortly after us.
And know what came out of my ugly heart...but getting married was my moment.
We are still enjoying our own wedding and honeymoon period.
This was where I was stopped cold in my tracks.
This was ugly.
And NOT who I wanted to be.
This was not glorifying Jesus and loving others.
I wanted to be happy for my friends. To share in their joys as well as their sufferings.
So how did I begin to battle this? Because it has been just that, a battle.
A dying to self process.
I decided shortly after that I needed to start my making my actions seem happy for the other person and trust that my heart would follow. I may not have gone around bursting with excitement for expectant mamas (although I embarrassingly do that now in a very genuine way. haha oops!) It began as a simple act, like finding out a friend was engaged & instead of saying nothing, I would send a short note to them saying congratulations! Saying how excited I was and asking how the planning was going.
(I didn't want to be fake in my excitement, but just share their joy)
I started practicing this everytime a friend was expecting. I would send a little gift to show I cared. Or a congratulations card. Or a quick phone call or even a short email.
I began to see a heart change in myself. Instead of making a conscious effort to do these things, it became natural.
Practicing celebrating with others then turned into a general thrill and excitement over blessings in my friends lives.
Seeing a friend's belly swell with a little miracle and attending her baby shower, while I myself have not yet been blessed in that way. I no longer see things through green tinted glasses. I see precious little babies and am so thankful I get to share in the joy of those around me.
Weddings now make my heart soar as I see a picture of the way Christ loves the church, instead of feeling sad that someone else is having a magical day or seeing it as better than my own wedding.
Sometimes, it is still a challenge.
But its also a choice.
It feels so vulnerable to share these thoughts with you guys, because they seem so ugly now I have said them out loud. Yet I share them because it is a battle I have walked through and still choose to allow Christ to help me through. Through these thoughts, I hope you see Jesus, grace and what He is capable of doing in our lives when we have a willing heart.
Much Love,
L
P.S. Don't forget you have until midnight tonight (EST) to enter the Birthday Giveaway.
