//When I grow Up, I want to be....//

What did you want to be when you were younger? I dreamt of being a clown (don't ask), a ballerina, a teacher, a mommy, among many other things. Don't you love how we are full of so many dreams when we are young, how we think have the capability to do anything or be whatever we want fearlessly. 


I was always that well-rounded student, the one that strived for good grades in every class. Which usually left me middle of the road in everything, never coming out the best at anything but never the worst either. Always feeling mediocre, even if capable.   


So many things drew my attention and that continued as I got older. Even though I may even today still be young compared to many, I have a long list of passions now, things that when they come up in conversation spark an interest or a passion. You know the ones, where you can be zoned out on a couch but as soon as someone mentions the topic, all of a sudden you are wide awake and ready to participate. 


I loved that in school, I didn't have to know what I wanted to do. There were just so many options and part of my decision for trying to get good grades and everything was that I was wanting to keep all my options. When class electives were picked, I chose ones that would keep doors open for future possible career decisions. Maybe someday I would chose to be a designer, an architect, a doctor or anything else that sounded remotely interesting. 

As friends started choosing left, right and center in high school what they would pick for their career path and what they were going to pursue, which college they would be attending. I was the confused one.
I wanted to pursue Jesus and His plan for me. But I had no clue what that looked like. 
I secretly desired to just be a wife and a mommy. Not pursue a career at all. 


So I felt like I have been bumbling since graduation a little. I pursued Med school my senior year of high school, with the intention of becoming a pediatrician. Because that's an acceptable option when you just aren't sure of what you want to do. It definitely stops people from asking questions about what you are going to do with your life haha! I took many career tests as well to see what was recommended based on my interests and capabilities. It pulled up so many different things, I found it extremely unhelpful haha! Almost everything those tests did recommend to me, where jobs involving other people. Caring for them, or teaching them in some way or being part of a team of people. 


Which I love because I truly believe life if meant to be lived in community. 


God firmly closed the med school door and that was fine with me. He answered with a big no. And since this occurred late in my senior year of high school, I was left with a gap year by default as I had no accepted a place at college the other side of the world. So I had a year to do what I loved - I got to serve in community with the youth at my church and a lot of time to think and pray about what should come next. 

I ended up choosing a career that I still don't fully understand why. Because I don't work in that area anymore. In fact, I worked less  than 12 months in that job after completing my training before the Lord called me to the other side of the world to a new role.
Wife.


Then He had me bounce back and forth from one continent to the other. 
For an entire year. A year with no career and sometimes with a husband the other side of the world.


It was a year of finding value in Him alone. 
Learning to trust Him & Him alone when everyone around me thought I should be doing something different career wise. 


Now He has me in yet another role, most don't even consider it a career.
But He is molding me and shaping me (see here).


Exactly into what my heart desired in the first place.

Maybe the mess was to show me I needed to trust God and not the opinions of others so much. To trust those heart desires of being a wife & a mommy were put there by Him, even if they aren't fully a part of my life yet even today.

(Just to clarify, I am not yet a mommy!! But a nanny to other people's precious little ones. Picture used with parental permission - but not the family I currently work for due to privacy reasons)

This post is part of my 31 day series for the month of October, 
fighting through the fears and sharing the confusing passions I have. 
Hoping to figure out the bigger picture of all these interests.