The Art of Being a Good Listener.

I sat down last week ready to just sit on the couch and relax. I turned on our tv, well Netflix to be exact since that is our tv. I browsed the shows and decided to try watching one I had heard a lot about but never actually seen. Yes, I finally watched 'Say Yes to the Dress' and I actually ended up reflecting on it. It was like way back in the beginning of the show, yes I just started with season one....and I ended up drawn to this one bridal consultant who just wasn't doing a great job mainly because of her attitude towards the brides. She kept missing asking important questions about what they were looking for, or hearing what they were asking for as she wanted to dress them in something she thought would look good. 

She wasn't very good at listening. And it really struck me, because this is so something I really want to be better at, and something which I think is so important.


It's awesome that we all have space in which to share our thoughts whether its a blog, our Facebook page, twitter, instagram...there is a form of sharing our thoughts for everyone whether its words or pictures, quirky quick little one liners or a mix of all the above. I think its a great way to share our testimonies and the way the Lord is at work in our lives when we use them all wisely. When we have encouraging, edifying things to say. 

But how much do we actually listen? 

How many of us were actually taught the art of being a great listener when we were younger? Of how to make something feel important, how to show that we are being 'active' in our listening. To show love through our silent participation instead of just through our words. How many relationships would be completely changed if we were to focus on this aspect of ourselves? How much more would others feel our love? 

I am trying to sensitize myself in conversations with others to how much I am actually listening. Am I really hearing what they are saying? Or am I just trying to think of the next thing I want to tell them about? Am I really caring for them if I am dominating a conversation? How can I love them with this conversation? What words will encourage them and build them up? What do they need from this brief interaction?

'Did you know that, on average, each of us speaks about twenty-five thousand words daily?' 

~ C.J. Mahaney, Humility

I really think we can miss something in all the posts and tweets, we fail to listen sometimes. We fail to truly love others because we are so focused in what we are wanting to say, in wanting others to like what we say or agree with us and share it. There's a part of us that enjoys that recognition, in being something that is being heard. 

It just got me asking questions of myself about my own heart, about how much I am really loving others. Am I being a good listener as well or am I just focused on trying to be heard? 

I wrote a series a while back on the power of our words and I reread through those letters I wrote to myself this evening. Really wondering how much further ahead I am in two years on those desires? Wondering how much more encouraging I am in my exchanges with people or if I have lost focus. 

'Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear..'

{Ephesians 4:29}  

Those words still get me! What a challenge we have been given, sisters! 

Since having deep conversations is so close to my heart, I am sure I will continue to ponder this issue for years to come. I am still developing thoughts of being a good listener, perhaps I will be able to make them more concise later in the week and write again. 

What are your thoughts? How do you balance listening to love others and sharing encouraging thoughts? 

The Busy.

I have been battling a lot lately with an aspect of my personality. It's not actually a bad trait and can often be seen as a really good thing. In fact reading through Proverbs this morning, I realised it is considered wise at times. It allows me to be productive and to get things done.

You see I am a perfectionist at times, a Type-A personality. Well most of the time don't look at the insides of some of our closets. I like to make lots of lists just to be able to cross off items, I also feel like I haven't achieved my goals for the day if I don't make it through the entirety of a list I made. 

But that's just it. 

They are my own goals. 

No-one else put these expectations on me. 

Although I'm pretty sure the hubby may need dinner at some point and clean clothes. 

Some days when I made it through only a handful of items on my list, I feel like a failure.

But I'm the one telling myself that.

So I am learning to make fewer lists. Or at least to be more realistic with how much I feel should be done on a given day. For example, cleaning our entire apartment, doing multiple large loads of laundry, completing a craft project, going shopping for groceries and running several errands may be a little optimistic. 

So while this trait is something any employer might love....hey I'm the girl who loves to meet those deadlines, it doesn't always cultivate relationships well.

My sweet hubby is not very Type-A and being married has been a beautiful refining process for me. Learning that there are so many ways to do things, to enjoy life.

While running errands for me energizes as I can cross items off on my list (anyone else with me?), to him running errands is extremely draining.

So what I have been learning is that being busy/productive is not always what is best. 

Some days need to be full of grace and quality time with others cultivating relationship.

My Heart on Media.

{Via}

From Twilight to the Hunger Games, to the Bachelorette to 50 shades of grey....

Everywhere we look, everyone is talking about something related to media. When we live in a media-driven, fast-paced culture that consumes everything on display, that is bound to happen.
But where do we draw the line for where we as Christians stop participating? 
How do we live a Set Apart life and honor God with this area of our lives?

This is not a topic that I particularly wanted to tackle, or ever thought I would on this blog but since I am feeling that all-familiar nudge, I will obey. Mainly because that is why I share my thoughts here...for others to read, to be encouraged, to share what I am learning....in the hope that we might grow to love Jesus more together.

So bear with me on this topic. I do not have this all figured out myself.

Media.

It is extremely easy when discussing this as friends to get caught up in a conversation about legalism vs 'being relevant to today's culture' in order to reach others. 

But I feel it is still a topic each of us must talk about and wrestle with even if we don't feel comfortable with it. 
I'm still trying to figure out why when this topic is first brought up I get that all-familiar defense feeling about what I watch, maybe because I don't like having my toes stepped on. I don't like feeling as though someone is telling me I shouldn't watch a particular TV show or listen to certain music. Do I feel judged? Or do I feel guilty?

{Via}

You will not find me writing a list of do's and don'ts here saying what is appropriate to watch when you love Jesus.
Because this is an area where I feel each person must be personally convicted about what is appropriate.

I also feel the root of this issue lies with something else.

Purity.


Whatever we put into our minds through media, 
goes into our hearts and will come out in our lives. 
(Keep that in mind and use your own discretion)


Have you ever watched a scene in a movie that was a little steamy, then couldn't get those images out of your mind and wished you had never watched it? (Or maybe that's just me) 
Wouldn't it be a whole lot better if we were a lot more careful about what we put before our eyes in the first place and then didn't have to worry about trying to erase or forget about those images?
Now some people really do have less trouble in some areas than others which is why I don't feel this is a list of Do's and Don'ts. For some people a boundary is put at movies which contain kisses of any kind, this could be a personal stumbling block for them. Whereas someone else could find kisses to be ok as long as they aren't super steamy make-out sessions. It really is an individual thing. But don't be blind about where your own stumbling blocks are! Only you are able to figure those out and use your own judgement to stay away from them. 


The good news is that the Lord can erase those memories. Psalm 103:11-12 is such a wonderful reminder:

'For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

    so great is his love for those who fear him; 

as far as the east is from the west,

    so far has he removed our transgressions from us.'

It may sound a little strange to think of media consumption as a purity issue, but purity is not just saving oneself for marriage, modesty and nothing else.

Purity also affects our minds, and is still relevant even after marriage. 

So living a set-apart life in love with Jesus is going to affect our media consumption just like it affects our views on dating, modesty and sex outside of marriage. 

'Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, 

to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—

this is your true and proper worship. 

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, 

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. 

Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —

his good, pleasing and perfect will.'

[Romans 12:1-2]

I feel the Lord has convicted me in this area of media consumption multiple times. 

Seeking to stand out and be different to others in the world because we have been transformed by the love of Jesus means that we will have different standards from friends in a lot of areas. Media included. 

If we never challenge our views on it and go with what everyone else is watching, playing, listening to......how do we portray that our lives have changed because of Him?

If we look the same as those who don't love Jesus, I don't think we reach anyone.

(I even think we weaken our own witness in some ways because we don't seem any different)

Now the reason I don't want to discuss what is appropriate and what is not, is because this is for each person
to go before the Lord and seek His standards. Each person must be personally convicted about media and figure out what causes them to stumble. 
But some thoughts which I recently read were extremely helpful at tackling the topic of legalism on this issue and any other area where personal convictions occur (such as modesty). 


When we are personally convicted by the Lord about where our standards should be, it becomes very easy to put ourselves in the center of our thinking and see those with higher standards as being legalistic. We also view those with lower standards as being worldly. 
This mindset towards personal convictions is legalistic friends, because it assumes that we are better than others by doing something to earn favor before the Lord. Which is completely contrary to the Gospel. 
Acceptance and forgiveness are dealt with through Jesus Christ and not by our actions. 

Our obedience therefore comes from gratitude in the Gospel. 

'Legalism is seeking to achieve forgiveness from God

and acceptance by God through obedience to God. In other 

words, a legalist is anyone who behaves as if they can earn 

God's approval and forgiveness through personal performance.

~ C.J. Mahaney, The Cross Centered Life

The bible talks about being careful not to cause other believers to stumble who have weaker consciences or different standards. Since Paul mentions this in 1 Corinthians, I am sure that even in those days different believers were convicted about different things. For this reason I feel it is perhaps safe to assume that different Christians will be convicted in areas such as media and have different guidelines, but we should show respect to those who have higher standards and not cause them to stumble. We are to be loving each other in this way and not showing a lack of respect to our brothers and sisters in Christ who are weaker in this area. 

'Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if someone with a weak conscience sees you, with all your knowledge, eating in an idol’s temple, won’t that person be emboldened to eat what is sacrificed to idols? So this weak brother or sister, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against them in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother or sister to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause them to fall.'

[1 Corinthians 8:9-13]

 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

{phil 4:7-8}

So sisters, I would urge you to think about the things you are placing before your eyes and seek the Lord's heart about what is appropriate for you to watch and absorb when it comes to media. Do not just merely go with the flow of what others are watching (even for wanting to feel up-to-date) without assessing the damage it may cause you. Let us keep aiming for purity and challenge each other with our convictions. I pray we might never condemn each other for having different personal convictions over these things and always demonstrate love to each other despite our differences.

Much Love,

L

{Via}

[Letters on the Power of Words: Part 3] Appropriate Words.

Dear Younger Version of Myself,

I know you are probably beginning to feel like you've heard enough about the power of words HERE and HERE. But I really wish you had grasped all of this a while ago, it would have saved you a lot of drama with some friends. Plus it is all so important to relating to others, encouraging and truly loving others.

I mentioned before the use of appropriate words in a situation.

Imagine in the near future you are meeting up with a friend in starbucks.

You see her through the window, waiting for you, you walk in and give her a big hug 

(after all this is a girl you genuinely care for). 

After you both catch up a little and order your drinks (you may even surprise yourself and order an iced vanilla latte someday, hey these things happen). You sit down to have a heart-to-heart conversation, the type of conversation you love.

After she spills out one of the many situations in her life (just like all of us) she waits for your response.

Currently, I am sure you haven't thought much about what you would say, L. 

After all you probably just respond with whatever has come to your head while she has been talking or whatever seems most appropriate or like common sense.

Did you ever think that our words need to be appropriate in these situations.

I'll explain it more.

'Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.'

{Ephesians 4:29} 

What are these words which are to 'fit the occasion'??

After reading C.J. Mahaney's book Humility, I totally agree that in order to know how to encourage a friend we need to truly know them. Only when we are aware of where someone is at in life, what they struggle with will we be able to respond in a way that is appropriate for the occassion. 

We don't want to discourage someone who is feeling weak at this point in life, by preaching at them making them feel worse with themselves. Never feeling as though they will measure up. 

We don't want to financially offer to help someone when the real issue is that they are lazy and won't help themselves. We don't want to just nod and be silent when someone really needs to hear truth and possibly offer them correction (with lots of humility). 

Sometimes being silent is the best response also...

I sat with some girls I know recently. We had a great lunch together, laughing & just doing life. When one of the girls shared her heart about a relationship she had been struggling with. She asked advice about what we thought she should do. These were the early days of learning to pray before responding....I prayed for wisdom, but felt the Lord saying, be silent. So I offered to pray for her, but didn't give advice. 

...sometimes just listening is what we can offer someone. Sometimes listening is all that is needed. I am one of those people that often processes things by talking it out with someone. I find my thoughts to be clearer this way. Being the listener in this situation can be awkward though. In the lunch with the girls, I found myself feeling frustrated that the Lord had not given me amazing words of advice to share so she might be encouraged by my wisdom. I worried about what she would think of me if I failed to give such impressive advice. He did not give them to me, and impressed the need to remain silent on advice and offer to pray. This hurts when you value the opinion of others quite highly.

I am learning, this focus is all wrong.

I am learning how to seek to really know others, to want to know their heart and about their lives. To truly listen to things they tell me, and not spend a conversation thinking of what I want to say next. Because only when I learn to do this will I know how best to encourage them or what is appropriate to say when asked for input or advice. 

  

The words we give others may not always seem polite and they definitely won't always be flattery. As nice as words such as these are to give and receive, we should freely do so when a situation calls for them.

But there are situations where correction may be needed. 

Sometimes we are edifying another believer when we correct them.

'Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.'

{Galatians 6:1}

 Hear me correctly on this one though, L. You always need to have a teachable attitude yourself. This scripture does not give you license to correct by being rude or unloving. It is such a difficult thing to do well. 

I am not a fan of these situations, being in either position is just no fun. As much as I am not a fan of these, I feel perhaps it is something which is not done enough in the modern church. We aren't trained to speak correction well to others or to hear it well from others. 

We automatically call it 'unloving' when in fact that person might be doing the most loving thing they can. 

(C.J. Mahaney also mentions in 'Humility' how he never offers correction without mentioning our need for the cross & God's grace to give hope and encouragement in the situation.) 

There is a book you will read girl, called The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. You will discover it sitting on a bookcase in your living room once you are married. How I wish someone had given it to you years beforehand. Because the content is incredible! It is challenging but also wise advice on how to deal with conflict. You will find it so helpful in several situations coming up in your life. 

So remember L to be super careful with you words and try to learn your words need to be appropriate. I can't stress how important this is. Learn to care about how God is asking you to respond in a situation rather than worrying about what someone thinks of you. And remember that sometimes flattery can do more harm than saying nothing if said in the wrong place.

Much Love,

'An Older' L

[Letters on the Power of Words: Part 2] Venting.

 

Dear Younger Version of Myself,

In light of the content of the first part of this series on the power of words,

I wanted to take a moment to look at venting. 

(If you haven’t yet read part one about being an encourager with words....read it here.)

Venting is such a funny concept. 

I feel it is one that in the past I have used as an excuse for saying exactly what I what 

about a situation or a person, 

unfiltered and totally raw left open for the other person to process and interpret. 

I am beginning to feel the Lord changing my heart on this. 

Because the way I abused it in the past was far from how He would want me to use my words.

Speech is incredibly important, 

as I discussed in the last letter. 

And as much as we should seek to encourage others with our words, 

we do also get frustrated with things in life. 

So should we bottle this up and pretent it doesn’t exsist?

Over time the Lord has been revealing to me that the answer is No. 

He always longs to hear the things on my heart, 

to hear what I am struggling with.

He knows me better than anyone else, for He made me. 

He knows my thoughts already and still chooses to love me.

 Read that again slowly....crazy isn’t it!

'You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.'

(psalm 139:1-3)

How can we discern He wants to hear what is on our heart or what we are struggling with when He already knows those thoughts? We can discern this from verses which talk about His character and those which show His interest in us.

'For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth 

to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.'

(2 Chronicles 16:9)

By praying and sharing things with the Lord, 

we involve Him in what is occurring in our everyday life. 

We invite Him to become involved. 

Prayer changes us, not God. 

We need Him, not the other way around.

'God does not change. God is a perfect God, and does not need to change.'

(Malachi 3:6)

 

When we seek Him, He changes us. 

He changes our heart and therefore we are able to graciously love others and speak kind words about others. 

Even in hard situations. 

For a few years now (yes, I have struggled to learn this concept) the Lord has been impressing in my heart that He should be the first place I go when I am frustrated or hurt or just feel the need to vent.

Also to remember that feeling a need to vent is not ungodly.

Hurt and anger are not sinful emotions.

How we then act determines whether they have lead to sin or been used to refine our character.

‘For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven....... A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.’

(Ecclesiastes 3:1,7-8)

While we are called to Him first, 

we are also commanded by the bible to live in community with others.

This involves being genuine, sharing struggles and areas of weakness. 

This is where I feel ‘venting’ comes in.

 But with it a caution to talk with the purpose of useful discussion of situations and not just complaining to other people. 

‘Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, 

you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.

 But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 

 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.’ 

(Galatians 6:1-2)

‘Only as I depend on and trust in and fully disclose to the One who knows 

anyway will I be able to discern when I’m fine-ing someone who deserves genuine. 

We don’t have to tell everyone how we are doing.

 In fact, that would be a problem all by itself,

 trying to be intimate and vulnerable with everyone. 

But it is important that we tell someone. 

A lot of my own heartache and struggles with the fake fine mask could be overcome 

if I simple allowed myself to be honest with God and trust Him to lead me in being vulnerable with people.’

~Emily Freeman, Grace for the Good girl, p.56

Personally I totally agree it would be inappropriate, and not encouraging to others, 

if I told everyone I met when I have an issue with someone. 

When I am struggling...I feel it is totally appropriate to share what is going on with a few wise trusted friends so that we can avoid the pitfalls of pride in conflict. 

Pretending everything is fine can also give us a false sense of self-righteousness.....

we feel our side of a conflict is the correct side and don’t have anyone else to correct or show us otherwise if we never share our struggles. 

These few trusted individuals in my life have been carefully selected. 

There is no point in going to someone who will always tell me what I want to hear, 

as nice as that can be. 

The ladies currently in my life are precious!! 

They are totally invaluable at praying for me, 

correcting my attitude when necessary, encouraging me and pointing me to Jesus. 

A would also like to add that tone is important in this kind of conversation, 

as it shares whether you are complaining about someone or sharing struggles and situations for the purpose of prayer, encouragement or correction/advice. 

(You should listen to him L, he is often the one you turn to for these conversations)

I realise giving someone that kind of access to your feelings and heart is very scary. 

It has definitely meant I have had to share some ugly sin about myself with someone else. 

But it has also corrected my view of myself and weakened my pride, 

which although painful is good.

It also continues to show me that I am never without need of my Saviour.

My sin highlights my need for grace.

For that, I am thankful.

Much Love,

L

hairband: SweetnessItself
earrings: f21 (a few seasons ago)
top: Plato's Closet
Belt: Aeropostale
Jeans: Aeropostale
Earrings: Birthday gift
flip-flops: Payless Shoes
Bag: American Eagle Outfitters

{On My Heart} Why I Blog.

I set out this afternoon to write a post about something the Lord has been teaching me for a few weeks now. 

I still hope to share that content with you later in the week.

However as I was rereading the material which had been heavily placed on my heart I felt myself drawn to an article written by Leslie Ludy on blogging.

You can read the article HERE. (see p.8)

In fact if you are in love with Jesus & a blogger, I recommend that you do.

There are a lot of personal details about my life which I do not share on my blog.

Over the past few months I have wondered if I should change this about my blogging style.

After reading this article I feel personally convicted that actually keeping some mystery about my dreams & identity is a good thing.

I don't want my blog to read like a personal diary.

I am certainly not perfect & I don't claim to be. That is not why I keep mystery about myself.

But there are some things which I should share with only the lover of my soul, and the husband He has provided me with.

While this might make me unpopular in the blogging world.....I feel the need to make that clear.

My goal for my blog is to share Jesus.

To share things He has been teaching me.

To edify.

To encourage you in your own journey with Him.

That's it.

If I am not blogging to bring attention to Him, then I have not achieved my goal.

My blog, like my life....

Should be more about Him, Less about me.

I do share a lot of pictures.

That's probably one of the first things people who know me have learned about me.

I Love photography.

A lot of my pictures on my blog are of me.

I'm not totally ok with this.

So it may change in future.

If I lived near a sister or Kindred Spirit, I would probably use pictures of her.

(I have not figured out what Lord is wanting me to change yet in this area)

I just want to make it clear that I am not trying to draw attention to myself through this.

That is not my goal. And please feel free to email me and tell me if you see this pattern in me.

 'Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.'

{1 Peter 3:3-4}

I have gone back and forth a little lately about how content I am with the way my blog may be portrayed.

As much as I don't want my blog to be known as an 'all about me' blog....I equally don't want to be known for 'fake preacher' blogging.

So I really want to make my heart clear.....

I share here what the Lord has been teaching me personally, in the hope that you would be encouraged (edified). 

So that together we may spur one another on in our mutual love for the Lord.

I want you guys to test everything I write again the Word of God.

I am an imperfect person sharing from a sinner's perspective.

So please do not take what I have to say as truth.

Test it against the only true truth we have, God's word.

 I get things wrong.

A lot.

But there is grace.

And I am thankful.

For now, I do not feel the Lord calling me to stop blogging.

But He has made it perfectly clear to me, that I need to not hold onto this should He ask me to stop completely.

If I feel that I am no longer on a good path with influence in the blogging world, I will make a quiet exit. 

I Love meeting all of you beautiful ladies, I never knew that there was such a community out there of godly women who encourage me & really spur me on in my pursuit of Christ.

As much as I value getting to know you all.

I need to make sure my heart is right before the Lord.

Always.

I have not been questioned by anyone or asked to reassess whether I should blog.

I just felt a nudge to share my heart for why I am doing this.

Once again to encourage you.

I don't keep up with all the comments posted on here, 

and I am truly sorry but I can't make a committment to do so.

I would love to be encouraging you personally & know how to be praying for you, so if that is the case feel free to email me.

But comments, followers & pageviews need to not be so heavy on my radar anymore.

For they are not helping me with what I am trying to accomplish.

So I am not trying to be rude if I don't reply to you.

Just email me instead.

Or add me on twitter.

Much Love In Christ Sisters,

L