[Letters on the Power of Words: Part 4] The Heart of the Issue.

Dearest Little L,

I'm so glad you are at least reading these letters and continue to wish that you knew their content years beforehand. This is the last letter I will be writing to you girl on the topic of the power of words. You can find the others HERE, HERE & HERE.

I have probably saved the most important issue for this last one as it deals with the root of the issue around your words.

Ever been sitting having a conversation with someone and before you have a chance to think, you say something you wish you hadn't. That inappropriate comment which was just a thought in your head is suddenly out in the open. You've said something you didn't really mean and now you can't take it back. 

Ever been in the middle of an argument and in the heat of the moment you've said something you promised yourself you would never bring up again. You've said things in anger to try and hurt the person in front of you, whom you love dearly.  

Your speech reflects your heart about a topic, girl. As a person talks you can hear in their tone, actions, facial expressions and words how they truly feel about something or someone.

'When you examine your words, you'll discover your heart.'

~ C.J. Mahaney, Humility

While reading his book, Humility, it stuck with me the fact that destructive words tend to reveal pride within a person. Your words show how you feel towards an issue or person and reveal more than perhaps you would want revealed.
Do you tear someone down because you think you are better or wiser that them? Are you jealous of them for whatever reason? 


Edifying words show evidence that a person has been truly changed by the Gospel and has a deep relationship with Jesus.

'Only the humble are genuinely concerned about edifying and encouraging others.'

~ C.J. Mahaney 

What a challenging thought, right girl? The opposite of humility is pride. So if you aren't seeking to encourage others, which would be clear from your words....maybe its because your heart is full of pride or selfishness (self-focus). Are you seeking what others need because you are self-righteous? Do you genuinely want to help them or do you just want to be liked and needed by them? Do you consider yourself better than someone else?

Your words reveal a lot about your heart.

We may be able to hide behind a mask of doing all the right things in life like Emily Freeman talks about in her book, Grace for the Good girl. But our words can give us away.....Even if we never slip in front of others and our words are never spoken out loud, our thoughts can tell us a lot about ourselves.

In the near future Little L, you will do a study on Proverbs and the many times it mentions the connections between the tongue and the heart. 

What you learn will be so valuable.

'One whose heart is corrupt does not prosper; one whose tongue is perverse falls into trouble.'

~ Proverbs 17:20

'Their tongue is a deadly arrow; it speaks deceitfully. With their mouths they all speak cordially to their neighbors, but in their hearts they set traps for them.'

~ Jeremiah 9:8

'Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest in hope...'

~ Acts 2:26  

Being careful with our words is so important and as these verses show, we can start change by examining our hearts. 

All is possible through Christ who gives us strength girl! 
You can't do it alone.


Much Love,

An Older L

[Letters on the Power of Words: Part 3] Appropriate Words.

Dear Younger Version of Myself,

I know you are probably beginning to feel like you've heard enough about the power of words HERE and HERE. But I really wish you had grasped all of this a while ago, it would have saved you a lot of drama with some friends. Plus it is all so important to relating to others, encouraging and truly loving others.

I mentioned before the use of appropriate words in a situation.

Imagine in the near future you are meeting up with a friend in starbucks.

You see her through the window, waiting for you, you walk in and give her a big hug 

(after all this is a girl you genuinely care for). 

After you both catch up a little and order your drinks (you may even surprise yourself and order an iced vanilla latte someday, hey these things happen). You sit down to have a heart-to-heart conversation, the type of conversation you love.

After she spills out one of the many situations in her life (just like all of us) she waits for your response.

Currently, I am sure you haven't thought much about what you would say, L. 

After all you probably just respond with whatever has come to your head while she has been talking or whatever seems most appropriate or like common sense.

Did you ever think that our words need to be appropriate in these situations.

I'll explain it more.

'Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.'

{Ephesians 4:29} 

What are these words which are to 'fit the occasion'??

After reading C.J. Mahaney's book Humility, I totally agree that in order to know how to encourage a friend we need to truly know them. Only when we are aware of where someone is at in life, what they struggle with will we be able to respond in a way that is appropriate for the occassion. 

We don't want to discourage someone who is feeling weak at this point in life, by preaching at them making them feel worse with themselves. Never feeling as though they will measure up. 

We don't want to financially offer to help someone when the real issue is that they are lazy and won't help themselves. We don't want to just nod and be silent when someone really needs to hear truth and possibly offer them correction (with lots of humility). 

Sometimes being silent is the best response also...

I sat with some girls I know recently. We had a great lunch together, laughing & just doing life. When one of the girls shared her heart about a relationship she had been struggling with. She asked advice about what we thought she should do. These were the early days of learning to pray before responding....I prayed for wisdom, but felt the Lord saying, be silent. So I offered to pray for her, but didn't give advice. 

...sometimes just listening is what we can offer someone. Sometimes listening is all that is needed. I am one of those people that often processes things by talking it out with someone. I find my thoughts to be clearer this way. Being the listener in this situation can be awkward though. In the lunch with the girls, I found myself feeling frustrated that the Lord had not given me amazing words of advice to share so she might be encouraged by my wisdom. I worried about what she would think of me if I failed to give such impressive advice. He did not give them to me, and impressed the need to remain silent on advice and offer to pray. This hurts when you value the opinion of others quite highly.

I am learning, this focus is all wrong.

I am learning how to seek to really know others, to want to know their heart and about their lives. To truly listen to things they tell me, and not spend a conversation thinking of what I want to say next. Because only when I learn to do this will I know how best to encourage them or what is appropriate to say when asked for input or advice. 

  

The words we give others may not always seem polite and they definitely won't always be flattery. As nice as words such as these are to give and receive, we should freely do so when a situation calls for them.

But there are situations where correction may be needed. 

Sometimes we are edifying another believer when we correct them.

'Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.'

{Galatians 6:1}

 Hear me correctly on this one though, L. You always need to have a teachable attitude yourself. This scripture does not give you license to correct by being rude or unloving. It is such a difficult thing to do well. 

I am not a fan of these situations, being in either position is just no fun. As much as I am not a fan of these, I feel perhaps it is something which is not done enough in the modern church. We aren't trained to speak correction well to others or to hear it well from others. 

We automatically call it 'unloving' when in fact that person might be doing the most loving thing they can. 

(C.J. Mahaney also mentions in 'Humility' how he never offers correction without mentioning our need for the cross & God's grace to give hope and encouragement in the situation.) 

There is a book you will read girl, called The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. You will discover it sitting on a bookcase in your living room once you are married. How I wish someone had given it to you years beforehand. Because the content is incredible! It is challenging but also wise advice on how to deal with conflict. You will find it so helpful in several situations coming up in your life. 

So remember L to be super careful with you words and try to learn your words need to be appropriate. I can't stress how important this is. Learn to care about how God is asking you to respond in a situation rather than worrying about what someone thinks of you. And remember that sometimes flattery can do more harm than saying nothing if said in the wrong place.

Much Love,

'An Older' L

[Letters on the Power of Words: Part I] Being an Encouragement.

Dear Younger Version of Myself,

I feel the need to share with you things I wish you knew already....things that I had hoped wouldn't take you so long to learn. 

Things that even at an older age, you feel you havn't grasped well-enough & can't learn fast enough.

I decided to organise my thoughts into a little mini-series of letters as there was too much content for one letter....

'Did you know that, on average, each of us speaks about twenty-five thousand words daily?' 

~ C.J. Mahaney, Humility

That is quite an interesting, thought-provoking quote. The Lord has been drawing my attention lately to how important my words are. He has really been working in my heart showing me how my words are capable of doing so much good when I encourage. But equally so harmful when I use them carelessly.

As you can probably tell from the quote, I have been reading through the book Humility by C.J.Mahaney again. I read it once before quite a while ago, however I picked it up again recently and since have read it another three times. There is just so much to take in, anyone else do that with good books?

One of his chapters is all about the power of words, conversation skills....whether our speech is really in line with God's intended purpose for it or reflecting pride within ourselves.

I have found this super challenging! I've been really thinking about how my words affect those around me.

You know that old English Nursery Rhyme you've known since you were little, L:

'Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But words will never hurt me.''

 

 Whoever wrote that phrase....totally got it wrong.

Because words totally hurt. They damage.

Some of the worst hurts in life so far have been the unkind words of another person.

'The tongue has the power of life and death,
    and those who love it will eat its fruit.' 

{Proverbs 18:21}

'Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear..'

{Ephesians 4:29}  

Isn't that challenging!!! 'Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth'

....no specific time and place mentioned. 

It doesn't say except when people frustrate you....

or except when the person you are talking about is not around! 

The Lord has been nudging me to really be careful with my words even in these situations.

Even when I am frustrated.

If I am talking with a friend about someone else (when an offense has happened),

 I have begun to ask myself how I would feel if that person could hear what I am saying.

Tearing someone down, even when they aren't there is far from edifying (encouraging)...

it shows my heart toward them is far from loving and could even taint my friend's opinion of the person. 

 

The Lord has just graciously been showing me that negative speech, which is so easy for all of us, is not in line with Ephesians 4:29. 

It is not edifying to the friend listening either to tear another person down.

This does not mean that the only words to ever come out of your mouth will be always polite or flattery. But also truth. 

I am learning you can talk truth without tearing someone down.

It requires a lot of heart checks and grace dispensing. 

(See later letter for further thoughts on this topic.)

 

As I drove to meet a dear friend last week for a lunch date

 (you havn't yet met this precious girl, L). 

I started to pray that the Lord would use me in our conversation. 

That He would show me what He longed for me to say or how to respond while talking. 

There was no previous conflict or anything.

 I just prayed that He would use that conversation to edify her and encourage her in her walk with Him. 

I have been learning to seek wisdom from the Lord in conversations on what the other person needs to hear.

 Do they need to be encouraged? 

Do they need me to just listen? (a skill I am desperately trying to be better at)  

Do they need to be helped practically? 

How would I best be able to do that? 

Do they need to be reminded of forgiveness?

I am still a novice at this. But I am so thankful the Lord has been teaching me how to be encouraging.

I have no idea if I was an encouragement in that situation with my precious friend over lunch. 

But I hope I allowed the Lord to work in some way.

Being an encouragement is something so close to my heart.

I long to encourage you with my words here also. 

My prayer for you is that these words would do just that.

Much Love,

L

P.S. Letter to come on venting next....