Learning how to Love others....not close ourselves off to one another.

She asked me if I had a minute, as I sat outside on a balcony during a humid evening on our trip. I think I was probably journalling at the time. She took a seat next to me and I set down my journal ready to listen to her.
'I just wanted to let you know that I admire you. You are the person I wish I was. You have made some good decisions in your life and I wish I had done the same.'
I then started to explain to her 'Oh girl, if only you knew half of the sin in my life and junk that is going on through my mind about so many things...'
'Just stop!' she replied. 'I don't want us to be close. I just wanted you to know I admire you.'
There wasn't much left for me to say except thank her for her honesty.
She looked relieved and walked away leaving me confused.


I don't understand how some people are able to sit and bond with you while others seem to keep you at arm's length. I have tried to figure out similarities between people who are open & those who aren't. But I can't really find any.
I'm puzzled by how sometimes a person will form an opinion about you but not want to get to know you better. Even if they tell you they admire you.

I guess sometimes I just need to be giving people grace. Grace to be where they are at on their journey and in their walk with the Lord. Grace where there is still room for growth.
There are going to be times when we encounter people who are further ahead than us and wiser in some areas of life. Sometimes they will be the ones who are behind and need encouragement. 


I'm beginning to understand how precious an opportunity it is to learn from those who are further ahead than us, rather than be frustrated or turned away by how wise they are. As well as how we need to be encouragement to those who are further behind, they need those words to hear how rewarding that path ahead is when we work through sin and other issues.
There is so much to be learnt from someone further ahead, learning from their wisdom and past mistakes....hearing what they would have done differently. Get to know them, for its likely they will encourage you with their stories and thoughts.
That's my experience anyway.


What I never want to do friends, is close myself off from others. Especially those who are wise and full of insight with trials I am going through.

Sometimes it is particularly nice to have friends who are side by side with you at a stage in life. They are easy to relate to, they totally understand where you are at and its likely that you mutually move back and forth between being the encourager and being the recipient. I am praying that I don't seek this kind of friendship over any of the others though just because it is easier.
Honestly it is easier to be moving in and out of those roles, but its no more valuable than befriending someone younger to encourage or someone older who is wise.


Don't be discouraged with where God has you friends and don't close yourself off from learning from others. I am fully convinced that there is something to be learnt from everyone, even if its how not to be or act. Even if they are in completely different life situations also.
People can totally be from different walks of life and be able to learn from one another and encourage one another.
Several of my best friends are living proof of that. One of them has grown up and spent her whole life in the United States. The other is Indian by culture but lived her whole life in the Middle East.
While I myself am a British-born girl who spent her childhood in continental Europe and her teenage years with the camels (just kidding it was the middle east though).
I am the only one of the three of us who is married. But I tell you though the ways these two friends encourage me and inspire me to love the Lord is incredible. God has graciously brought all three of us through similar situations. Things we would not have known without daring to be close to one another.

Some friendships definitely take more work than others. We are all so different and sometimes those personalities can clash a little as well. But often the fruit from that labour is sweeter. For in battling the harder things, you may just grow more and learn how to really love others.

So friends, let us not give up learning from each other or write another person off based on age, influence, culture or place in our walk with the Lord.

I am working on becoming a dispenser of Grace (although I'm not very good at it) and seeking to learn from others, even those people I find hard to love at times.

Anyone want to join me?

Much Love,

L

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." 

— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves) 

{Pictures taken at the Getty Center in LA, not related to the story at the beginning}

[Letters on the Power of Words: Part 3] Appropriate Words.

Dear Younger Version of Myself,

I know you are probably beginning to feel like you've heard enough about the power of words HERE and HERE. But I really wish you had grasped all of this a while ago, it would have saved you a lot of drama with some friends. Plus it is all so important to relating to others, encouraging and truly loving others.

I mentioned before the use of appropriate words in a situation.

Imagine in the near future you are meeting up with a friend in starbucks.

You see her through the window, waiting for you, you walk in and give her a big hug 

(after all this is a girl you genuinely care for). 

After you both catch up a little and order your drinks (you may even surprise yourself and order an iced vanilla latte someday, hey these things happen). You sit down to have a heart-to-heart conversation, the type of conversation you love.

After she spills out one of the many situations in her life (just like all of us) she waits for your response.

Currently, I am sure you haven't thought much about what you would say, L. 

After all you probably just respond with whatever has come to your head while she has been talking or whatever seems most appropriate or like common sense.

Did you ever think that our words need to be appropriate in these situations.

I'll explain it more.

'Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.'

{Ephesians 4:29} 

What are these words which are to 'fit the occasion'??

After reading C.J. Mahaney's book Humility, I totally agree that in order to know how to encourage a friend we need to truly know them. Only when we are aware of where someone is at in life, what they struggle with will we be able to respond in a way that is appropriate for the occassion. 

We don't want to discourage someone who is feeling weak at this point in life, by preaching at them making them feel worse with themselves. Never feeling as though they will measure up. 

We don't want to financially offer to help someone when the real issue is that they are lazy and won't help themselves. We don't want to just nod and be silent when someone really needs to hear truth and possibly offer them correction (with lots of humility). 

Sometimes being silent is the best response also...

I sat with some girls I know recently. We had a great lunch together, laughing & just doing life. When one of the girls shared her heart about a relationship she had been struggling with. She asked advice about what we thought she should do. These were the early days of learning to pray before responding....I prayed for wisdom, but felt the Lord saying, be silent. So I offered to pray for her, but didn't give advice. 

...sometimes just listening is what we can offer someone. Sometimes listening is all that is needed. I am one of those people that often processes things by talking it out with someone. I find my thoughts to be clearer this way. Being the listener in this situation can be awkward though. In the lunch with the girls, I found myself feeling frustrated that the Lord had not given me amazing words of advice to share so she might be encouraged by my wisdom. I worried about what she would think of me if I failed to give such impressive advice. He did not give them to me, and impressed the need to remain silent on advice and offer to pray. This hurts when you value the opinion of others quite highly.

I am learning, this focus is all wrong.

I am learning how to seek to really know others, to want to know their heart and about their lives. To truly listen to things they tell me, and not spend a conversation thinking of what I want to say next. Because only when I learn to do this will I know how best to encourage them or what is appropriate to say when asked for input or advice. 

  

The words we give others may not always seem polite and they definitely won't always be flattery. As nice as words such as these are to give and receive, we should freely do so when a situation calls for them.

But there are situations where correction may be needed. 

Sometimes we are edifying another believer when we correct them.

'Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.'

{Galatians 6:1}

 Hear me correctly on this one though, L. You always need to have a teachable attitude yourself. This scripture does not give you license to correct by being rude or unloving. It is such a difficult thing to do well. 

I am not a fan of these situations, being in either position is just no fun. As much as I am not a fan of these, I feel perhaps it is something which is not done enough in the modern church. We aren't trained to speak correction well to others or to hear it well from others. 

We automatically call it 'unloving' when in fact that person might be doing the most loving thing they can. 

(C.J. Mahaney also mentions in 'Humility' how he never offers correction without mentioning our need for the cross & God's grace to give hope and encouragement in the situation.) 

There is a book you will read girl, called The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. You will discover it sitting on a bookcase in your living room once you are married. How I wish someone had given it to you years beforehand. Because the content is incredible! It is challenging but also wise advice on how to deal with conflict. You will find it so helpful in several situations coming up in your life. 

So remember L to be super careful with you words and try to learn your words need to be appropriate. I can't stress how important this is. Learn to care about how God is asking you to respond in a situation rather than worrying about what someone thinks of you. And remember that sometimes flattery can do more harm than saying nothing if said in the wrong place.

Much Love,

'An Older' L