Dear Younger Version of Myself,
I know you are probably beginning to feel like you've heard enough about the power of words HERE and HERE. But I really wish you had grasped all of this a while ago, it would have saved you a lot of drama with some friends. Plus it is all so important to relating to others, encouraging and truly loving others.
I mentioned before the use of appropriate words in a situation.
Imagine in the near future you are meeting up with a friend in starbucks.
You see her through the window, waiting for you, you walk in and give her a big hug
(after all this is a girl you genuinely care for).
After you both catch up a little and order your drinks (you may even surprise yourself and order an iced vanilla latte someday, hey these things happen). You sit down to have a heart-to-heart conversation, the type of conversation you love.
After she spills out one of the many situations in her life (just like all of us) she waits for your response.
Currently, I am sure you haven't thought much about what you would say, L.
After all you probably just respond with whatever has come to your head while she has been talking or whatever seems most appropriate or like common sense.
Did you ever think that our words need to be appropriate in these situations.
I'll explain it more.
'Let no corrupting talk
come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as
fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.'
{Ephesians 4:29}
What are these words which are to 'fit the occasion'??
After reading C.J. Mahaney's book Humility, I totally agree that in order to know how to encourage a friend we need to truly know them. Only when we are aware of where someone is at in life, what they struggle with will we be able to respond in a way that is appropriate for the occassion.
We don't want to discourage someone who is feeling weak at this point in life, by preaching at them making them feel worse with themselves. Never feeling as though they will measure up.
We don't want to financially offer to help someone when the real issue is that they are lazy and won't help themselves. We don't want to just nod and be silent when someone really needs to hear truth and possibly offer them correction (with lots of humility).
Sometimes being silent is the best response also...
I sat with some girls I know recently. We had a great lunch together, laughing & just doing life. When one of the girls shared her heart about a relationship she had been struggling with. She asked advice about what we thought she should do. These were the early days of learning to pray before responding....I prayed for wisdom, but felt the Lord saying, be silent. So I offered to pray for her, but didn't give advice.
...sometimes just listening is what we can offer someone. Sometimes listening is all that is needed. I am one of those people that often processes things by talking it out with someone. I find my thoughts to be clearer this way. Being the listener in this situation can be awkward though. In the lunch with the girls, I found myself feeling frustrated that the Lord had not given me amazing words of advice to share so she might be encouraged by my wisdom. I worried about what she would think of me if I failed to give such impressive advice. He did not give them to me, and impressed the need to remain silent on advice and offer to pray. This hurts when you value the opinion of others quite highly.
I am learning, this focus is all wrong.
I am learning how to seek to really know others, to want to know their heart and about their lives. To truly listen to things they tell me, and not spend a conversation thinking of what I want to say next. Because only when I learn to do this will I know how best to encourage them or what is appropriate to say when asked for input or advice.
The words we give others may not always seem polite and they definitely won't always be flattery. As nice as words such as these are to give and receive, we should freely do so when a situation calls for them.
But there are situations where correction may be needed.
Sometimes we are edifying another believer when we correct them.
'Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin,
you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto
the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation
yourself.'
{Galatians 6:1}
Hear me correctly on this one though, L. You always need to have a teachable attitude yourself. This scripture does not give you license to correct by being rude or unloving. It is such a difficult thing to do well.
I am not a fan of these situations, being in either position is just no fun. As much as I am not a fan of these, I feel perhaps it is something which is not done enough in the modern church. We aren't trained to speak correction well to others or to hear it well from others.
We automatically call it 'unloving' when in fact that person might be doing the most loving thing they can.
(C.J. Mahaney also mentions in 'Humility' how he never offers correction without mentioning our need for the cross & God's grace to give hope and encouragement in the situation.)
There is a book you will read girl, called The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. You will discover it sitting on a bookcase in your living room once you are married. How I wish someone had given it to you years beforehand. Because the content is incredible! It is challenging but also wise advice on how to deal with conflict. You will find it so helpful in several situations coming up in your life.
So remember L to be super careful with you words and try to learn your words need to be appropriate. I can't stress how important this is. Learn to care about how God is asking you to respond in a situation rather than worrying about what someone thinks of you. And remember that sometimes flattery can do more harm than saying nothing if said in the wrong place.
Much Love,
'An Older' L
