What Kenya Taught me about Fear.

What I have probably never shared before, as I tend not to speak it out loud very often, is that I have a fear. A very irrational fear, one that started just before I got married & seems to keep growing in size. A fear of flying. 

I know. I know. I've heard all the answers for how to get rid of it. But its seriously like being afraid of heights (which I think may be related as tall buildings now terrify me too) you can't simply just explain it away or pretend it doesn't exist. 

Several things help, but really its something that I have to pray through many time throughout the entire duration of any flight. The frequency of flying may make a difference as well. Before we got married and were travelling back and forth across the Atlantic frequently I had less of a fear of flying, then it increased with no bad experience to provoke it, just like I suddenly woke up and realized just how strange it sounds to travel in a metal tube with wings up in the air.

So with our decision to go to Kenya last month, there was a huge understanding for me that this meant getting on a plane. Several planes. 5 different flights to be exact. 35 hrs of being in the air. It was a stretch for me.

Especially when we seemed to encounter problem after problem with our flights on the way to Kenya. Our first flight departed 6 hours late due to mechanical problems with the plane (that information really made me feel so much better!). Then another flight was delayed due to a medical emergency, which really wasn't an emergency at all thankfully. One went through a storm and of course turbulence (which actually has a calming effect on me, I did say it was irrational).

The drive that kept me going of course, was the fact that I really wanted to go to Kenya. We both felt strongly that we were being called to go together & serve for the brief time we were there. And that meant being obedient and getting on that plane. 

It requires putting my trust in God and His plans for my life. Just putting one foot in front of the other and believing that He has good plans for me. Sometimes it feels beyond me to be able to do that. Especially in a fear this real.

But the one motivator I had in all this, was something that I shared during our daily devotionals as a group on our trip. As much as I am afraid of things in this life, it doesn't outweigh the fear I have of missing out on what God has for me because I was afraid. The fear of not doing something out of fear. 
Missing what He has called me to do. Missing out on being a part of what He is doing on this earth. 

So I keep battling & praying that He removes this fear someday! Battling my fears so that I can be a part of something bigger than them and bigger than me. 
Glorifying Him, even when its hard and brings me tears of fear. 
Knowing that He comforts me and protects me. I am never really in control ever in this life, this is all Him. 

And the glimpse it gives me of His creation is pretty incredible. 

I loved reading Nicole's perspective on fear today.

//I DO//

For previous installments, check out the Love Story Tab in the Left Sidebar! 

I did consider leaving our story there, but I guess in order to finish telling it I should share the actual wedding day. I don't like the emphasis on wedding days at times, I really do think they are totally serious things (they are a covenant after all!) and shouldn't be entered into lightly, but they are not everything you are working towards as a couple. 
I feel that is such a huge emphasis in our culture nowadays. 
Having the perfect wedding.


I'm not sure I would say it was the perfect wedding, but it was a day to remember and certainly perfect for us. The run up to the event was stressful, with friends to pick up from the airport (I think 50% of our guests were from out of town) so they needed to get to the places they were staying. We wanted to visit with everyone as some friends I hadn't seen since high school! Plus all the last minute wedding details to take care of. 


But the day finally arrived. 

The day before our wedding, A came into town. He had projects to finish at school so yes he didn't get there until 24 hrs before our ceremony. I don't think the best man was too impressed with this arrangement!!! lol!!! I found the rehearsal nerve-racking, in the midst of all the planning I hadn't had time to give much thought to the fact that I had to walk down as aisle full of people watching me. Without tripping or doing anything wrong. (Thank goodness I chose not to wear heels!) So I was freaking out a little at the rehearsal.

Then on our wedding day, I was so chilled out, it must have totally been God's peace. Everyone else was running around like crazy, all the bridesmaids getting dressed and I was just chilling in the dressing room dressed and ready. Then I just walked down the aisle towards my best friend. I will admit, I just looked at him the whole time, that's how I managed that walk! Same for later in the day when the power went out in the church, A and I were like oh that's ok...we'll figure it out. Same for the reception when asked how we wanted to do things, like what order....we just went with the flow. 

I had a list of God's blessings which took place during the wedding, I wanted to share them with you friends:

-We did save our first kiss, and despite A having to ask me not to giggle so he could actually kiss me, I guess it went ok. (You can read more on that here) 

- We received an abundance of gifts, and we didn't even have a place to live yet or put them all! We were blown away by everyone's generosity. 

- A huge storm passed through during the ceremony, and all I could think about with the loud thunder was how it felt like God was really present

- The power went out immediately after the ceremony & our amazing photographer just took care of everything with battery operated flashes for inside the church! We were so impressed. 

- We had chosen to have bridal party pictures outside in a cornfield, with tornado warnings happening throughout the day. Friends, that field we are staying on was completely dry! There was minimal mud on my dress to prove it. Right after we decided the pictures were probably done, we climbed back in the limo and it poured again and didn't stop during the whole reception. 

- We have incredible families and friends who love and support us so dearly, their speeches made us laugh so hard and nearly cry at times. 

- For various reasons, we ended up with no DJ and several friends graciously played our playlist, which was an incredible mix, people commented on how fun the dancing at our wedding was for several years after haha! 

- We had an amazing wedding party, so encouraging, just a blast to be with!! 

- Having so many people we know and love all in the same room, at the same time!! This will probably never happen again! 

- Seeing how God brought us through so much before we were even married gave me so much hope that He would continue to do so in the future no matter how bleak things seem! I should never doubt His ways or timing! 

This post is part of my 31 day series for the month of October, 
fighting through the fears and sharing the confusing passions I have. 
Hoping to figure out the bigger picture of all these interests. 

//Truth on Fear//

It shouldn't surprise me that every Sunday the Lord would speak into the situation I find myself in. Yet every week it does.
It floors me. 


That I would write the night before about fear. To find in the morning, our pastor would share a message on fear-filled rebellion. That he would give biblical insight into the very topic I have been pondering. 
Just yeah, His timing blows me away as I have been writing these past six days. 
The grace. The depth of it. 

'Following God where He wants us to go is the greatest ride of our lives!' 

- Our Pastor

Fear reveals belief. 

Who we fear shows who we believe. The Israelites wrestled with this in the wilderness in their journey to the Promised Land. The majority fearing the people they saw in the land God had for them, fear for their own safety, fear for their children. 

The core issue was whether or not they believed God. 

We have our own ideas of what it means to be safe, so often it prevents us from going where God wants us. 

We can miss out on getting to the promised land because of our fear? 

Do we really believe God? Do we trust His promises? ....Or are we afraid, wanting to play it safe instead because we fear for our safety.

Am I afraid to share our story because of the reactions of others? Do I believe their opinion on who I am, what my value is and what my motives are instead of trusting God? 

Those who feared death and wanted safety among the Israelites, lost their lives. God did not allow them to see the promised land. 

The two that feared God above everything else, they lived. (see Numbers chapters 13-14)

They were able to get to that Promised Land. 

We must be obedient & fear God, not others, in order to live! 

This post is part of my 31 day series for the month of October, 
fighting through the fears and sharing the confusing passions I have. 
Hoping to figure out the bigger picture of all these interests. 

//The Fear of a God-Written Love Story//

Earlier this year, I started sharing our love story. Rather God's story in bringing us together. It really is truly written by Him, not one I could have ever dreamed up on my own. 
(For the first part see here)


You may be wondering how this is relevant to exploring passions and figuring out those pieces. Well one thing I am passionate about is trusting the Lord for the provision of your future spouse. Trusting Him that if He has planned marriage for you in order to glorify Him, He will bring it about in a perfect way only He can. We don't need to date a ton of frogs to find that earthly prince. (While we need to hold onto that dream, we may also need to hold onto our realistic picture of marriage with the other hand....but that's for another time) 
There are so many ways we can actively be trusting, I don't believe that this is an entirely passive process. But it is one that we need to be willing to surrender.  
So I am dusting off these posts I hid under the bed and pulling them out, its time to be fearless and trust God!


While I so see the Lord's fingerprints in the story of how we met and eventually got married, it is also one of the hardest ones for me to share. Part of me, I think, is believing the lies again when it comes to this part of my life. You see, having a heart for purity & singleness for so long, I struggle with gratitude at times over this gift of marriage. I struggle with no longer feeling able to reach those girls with whom I used to have an amazing connection based on my relationship status. Whom I used to be able to encourage, because I was single. 


I really am SO thankful for this story the Lord scripted for us, but I struggle to share it even despite its beauty. I worry that there will be a young woman reading who will suddenly find herself discontent in her waiting & gift of singleness. That by my sharing our joy, she will suddenly feel longing instead of contentment. That my sharing will be misinterpreted for boasting or 'rubbing it in.' 
(The Lord has really been speaking to me about not trying to control the reactions of others, to be encouraging, sensitive and above reproach, but to just trust Him and just be obedient!) 


So very slowly (I did start writing this in March!) He has led me to now believe that by writing this precious story for you friends, is more like sharing a gift. 
It is part of encouraging those girls who are dear to my heart. 
It is one that speaks hope into the lives of young girls. It shows that precious love stories do very much exist they are in all the lives of those who find themselves married. That by my attitude of ingratitude toward this story, I am without intending to saying to God I don't want this gift of marriage. Which is far from the truth. 


So while it is unlikely that your own story looks or might someday look anything like ours, 
I will share to praise our heavenly Father. 
To share that He is good and to show proof that He hears our prayers and heart's desires. Never doubt that! 


I pray for you sweet friend. 
That you are able to see love stories as God's reminder of how He is capable of writing one for you.
You are not forgotten by Him. 
(I felt that way when friends around me were marrying.)
So out of obedience and nothing else, I will share to encourage you ladies....but before I do I want to remind you that this is a far cry from the greatest love story in my life. 
(Which my sweet hubby is well aware of! And fully supportive of!) 
Because this story I will embark on telling (while shaking with fear) only flourished and continues to do so, by seeking my first Love. 


Only when I am seeking my prince's face to fill me am I capable of showing grace to the One He has given me to serve Him & do life with. 
I am a sinner. I married a sinner.

But through both of us seeking Him, God is able to make something beautiful out of the mess.
   

'Proud people are concerned with being respectable, with what others think; they work to protect their own image and reputation. Broken people are concerned with being real; what matters to them is not what others think but what God knows; they are willing to die to their own reputation.




Proud people find it difficult to share their spiritual need with others.

Broken people are willing to be open and transparent with others as God directs.

Proud people want to be sure that no one finds out when they have

sinned; their instinct is to cover up.

Broken people, once broken, don’t care who knows or who finds out; they

are willing to be exposed because they have nothing to lose.'




(Via)

This post is part of my 31 day series for the month of October, 
fighting through the fears and sharing the confusing passions I have. 
Hoping to figure out the bigger picture of all these interests.