{On My Heart} Mondays. [Part 5: Appreciate your Husband's Counsel]

Well this may be one of the harder posts within the 'On my heart' series that I have felt the desire to write. I find that with a lot of this series really.

This post is particularly hard as it involves revealing major sin in my own life, ways in which I still need to grow.

Hopefully the message is worth hearing though, so stick with me for now.

During our 18-months as husband & wife, A & I have managed to develop a wonderful habit of reading good books together. We started reading 'The First 90 days of Marriage' by Eric and Leslie Ludy, venturing on to a variety of material which has been amazing and so thought-provoking.

This habit has us currently reading through 'Love and Respect' By Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

I can't sing this book's praises enough!

We have been reading through it for a while due to its length and intense (at times) content.

(Totally not trying to put you off it though...really!)

The last chapter we read was about an area that wives really should work on with regard to listening to the counsel of our husbands.

So many things within the chapter hit home for me.

While these are based around the marriage relationship, there are many things in here which can be applied to any relationship in our lives.

Allow me to share a few with you.

(I am by no means an expert at anything marriage related, 

so I share as one at the beginning of this season in life....)

• When you focus on negative attributes in your husband, you ignore a lot of ability and insight which he does possess.

How easy is it to focus on the sin in someone's life, all the while trying to cover up and excuse our own. We feel that those around us are the ones who need correcting and ask God to reveal sin in other's lives to them. We pray for Him to help them see their errors, all the while making excuses (even to the Lord!) about our own sin. I, at times, am ashamed to admit that I do the same to my husband.

• Many wives, myself included, feel at times that our husbands have little to teach us or little wisdom to contribute to a problem.  

This is confirmed in the book, Love and Respect, by the author when he recalls many couples he has counselled. When truly honest with ourselves, I am sure a lot of wives would agree with this statement. For me this is probably linked to focus on negative attributes.

• Do not fall into the trap of feeling that because your husband appears unloving or uncaring, his ideas are not worth listening to.

How easy a trap this is to fall into in any relationship. When we believe the best about others, we trust that each person close to us has goodwill towards us. In the vast majority of my own experiences I have seen that A never tries to be unloving or uncaring. In fact, in most of these scenarios, he doesn't even realise he is coming across that way at all!
We need to understand that our husbands have wise insight. They are not seeking to be unloving in gently correcting us! 

• Do not hinder your husband or your relationship by having a false idea that you are more spiritually mature or wise than your husband.

By doing this, we are able to instill a fear in our husband that he won't be able to say the 'right' thing in a conversation. Even if we don't mean to give this impression, it can be done. If we do have this attitude (even without meaning to) we can cause him to shut down in a conversation and say nothing. Of course, usually we then allow this behavior to hurt us further, thinking that it confirms we are more mature.

• Women may be naturally intuitive, but do not fail to appreciate insight from your husband, given to you by God. We need our husbands to see some things clearly despite our own intuition.

My husband sees things in such a different way than I do. This is a good thing. It is God's way of allowing me to see things from a different perspective sometimes. This is so wonderful when I have a problem which feels so huge and overpowering to me, A gives me perspective to see this problem is really not as big as I think it is. I am just letting it be that big.
(One example of this at work in my life)

• Do not judge your husband with contempt. It is dishonoring to the Lord.

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. 

(1 Peter 3:1-2)

Sometimes I find myself believeing this verse says we must accept their authority, when they deserve it. But re-read it again. Nope, no conditions for this are mentioned. 

• Do you have an attitude of self-righteouness? Do you see his faults & mistakes easily? Do you want him to change & think of yourself as better, without the need of change?
  

'What I see happening in some marriages is that the wife believes - or appears to believe - that she does not sin. In many other marriages the only sin that a wife will readily admit to is her negative reaction to her husband's failure to be loving or for losing patience with the children. Beyond these areas, women do not see themselves as sinning, even though they readily admit to bad habits and wrong attitudes. They write these off to chemical imbalance, hormonal problems, or dysfunction due to family of origin.'

~ Love & Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Let us not fall into this trap, friends.

I will admit I struggle with a lot of these things. 

Sure, my husband may have many things to work on, as do I.

He may not have to work on the same things as I do. But you can be sure there are things which he excels in that I really need help with.

Let's not allow self-righteousness to destroy any relationships in our lives.

We are all sinners, saved by God's grace alone.

Let us give our husband's the respect & authority which is rightly theirs,
not wait until we feel they have earned it.

Much Love,
L