Well my theme here has been crickets chirping as life has been too full and busy to allow time for blogging and other things.
Since Aria has been born I have been home recovering & getting used to lack of sleep of course, giving me some extra time while she naps during the day (now she's a little bigger anyway).
I realized its that time of the year again when everyone reflects back on the year, the Lord's faithfulness and some people even select a word for the year as a theme.
I never actually shared my word for 2015, I just never got around to it. We had a lot of heartache going on this time last year and truthfully I fell into a grieving process that lasted a few months after having a chemical pregnancy last December. I couldn't write during that time, couldn't put into words all that I was feeling.
It's a strange thing miscarriage, and everyone responds differently. Especially chemical pregnancies, but believing what I do about life and when it begins (at conception) that child was as much a child as if I had been full term in a pregnancy to me. I experienced every emotion you can expect to feel as that was going on and didn't have the heart to share while I was walking through it. There were many tears, anger at what was happening, disbelief and then acceptance as I know someday I will meet that sweet baby in glory someday.
I spent a lot of time praying and felt extremely sad that we never knew the gender, the Lord impressed on my heart during those long sessions of tears and prayer that it was a boy I would see in heaven someday. That gave me His peace and comfort in a lot of way, even though of course here on earth I will never know the confirmation of that truth. We never picked a name, although I know for some women that also brings comfort in naming those sweet babies. For us, it was just 'peanut' and to this day I think of that sweet baby when I hear that name.
In all that, I never shared the word He impressed on my heart for 2015. Which was trust.
Learning to surrender a lot of things to Him. Its been a whirlwind this year and full of lessons of trust, the first few months surrendering the timing of our family to Him. Trusting that His timing was perfect, even if I was more than ready and done waiting to have a child in my arms after nearly five years of marriage.
There were health scares, relational problems and then in March after I was distracted and finally no longer focused on having a positive pregnancy test, there it was. Two pink little lines staring at me right in the face. I cried tears of joy and immediately texted Andrew at work.
I tested every single day for about two weeks to make sure that pink line stayed strong, my poor hubby was extremely patient with me & I'm so thankful for dollar store pregnancy tests. I was still learning how to trust Him. I am still learning.
Then around thirteen weeks pregnant, we were due to fly out to California for a dear friend's wedding. The night before I started bleeding. And once again it was a lesson in trust. I was so scared as we drove to the ER and begged the Lord to spare this child and cried out that my heart couldn't do this again, couldn't loose another baby. I know so many women experience the loss of child after child, and I'm not sure how they find the courage to stay brave and keep trusting. But after we got there I felt peace. The reassurance that no matter what, He was in control and no matter the outcome, He was still good.
By His grace, my little one stayed safely in my womb and I had the precious birthday gift (it was also my birthday and mother's day) of seeing that little one bouncing around like crazy during an emergency ultrasound. There was absolutely nothing wrong and determined that I was only bleeding a little from a burst blood vessel in my cervix. Nothing life-threatening to my child. But still an exercise of trust. Of the Lord saying, will you trust me to choose what is best for you? No matter what that looks like.
Reluctantly, my heart began to bend and say Yes Lord, I will trust you with this baby!
It was nerve-racking the next few months and slowly my heart learned to trust Him with the pregnancy. Trust that He was good, that He would protect my little one as He saw fit and trust that He was in control and not me. Then after sweet little Aria arrived I had another huge test.
Delivery itself was a huge gift and a great experience. I couldn't have asked for better care or for a smoother experience. A true moment of grace from Him. Then I started to develop postnatal anxiety and my world flipped on its axis. It was like a bad dream and an out of body experience, sleep deprivation is no joke when your hormones are out of wack and your body just isn't doing what you want it to do/what its supposed to do.
Once again though, my heart had tried to control things I couldn't. I wanted to protect my little girl from everything and obviously I don't have the ability to do so. It manifested itself in postnatal anxiety and obsessive compulsive thoughts. Possibly one of the scariest experiences of my life, I was hospitalized for a while. But He provided, through mentors/counselors/sweet medical students who shared scripture with me in those dark moments. And I am now a firm believer that medication has its place for treating some chemical imbalances. Praise Him that He is slowly bringing me out of that dark dark place. If you have postnatal depression/anxiety, my heart really goes out to you for it is extremely scary and can feel so isolating. Know that you are not alone, and talk about it! Tell someone what is going on, it is the only way to fight for freedom from it and experience His rescue. My heart hurts for those women.
Only God can control things & I had made an idol out of control. So He took several things out of my control and showed me where He needed to be in my life once again. It's a new lesson and one I am still wrestling with.
I had wanted to breastfeed, but through my own need for medication I could no longer do so safely while in the hospital. I freaked out about financially affording formula, and once again it was a lesson of trust. I felt so silly after freaking out about that decision and seeing person after person show up with a container of formula for my little girl. Provision. A whisper from Him of See how I can provide, just trust me. We have yet to purchase any formula ourselves and there is easily several months worth on top of my fridge.
Everytime I have freaked out about some transition that has happened, He has slowly showed me that He can absolutely be trusted. That He is good and that by fighting Him for control, I just make it harder for myself. It is not the way to live freely or fully for Him.
And I desperately want to model for my daughter how to live freely and fully. To have a heart surrendered to Him, to live life to the full to bring Him glory and nothing else. That she would turn to Him at a young age. And that requires us modelling it for her. That requires my own continued sanctification.
So all this to say, my word for 2016 is going to stay the same.
Trust.
It's a lesson I still need. To keep staying surrendered to His roller-coaster for my life.
To trust that the ups and downs are there to mold me and to bring Him glory.
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