Oh for a Joy like This.

We have been back for nearly a week and my heart still can't stop thinking about these kids. I really miss them with such a burden, their joy & thankfulness to God despite how little they have! They taught me so much! Yesterday we were asked to sit on a panel in our Sunday School class and talk about our trip and the question of what did we learn from the Kenyan people came up.

The answer is overwhelming, because I am sure we learned more from them, than they did from us. Having been on trips before I knew we wouldn't be going on to accomplish amazing things that couldn't take place without us. That was not our goal or our focus, my husband and I both wanted to go knowing we were joining an organisation already very present in Kenya. Knowing the Lord was already moving among the people in the region this group is working in and we wanted to go and encourage them, witness what the Lord was doing & who knows maybe join them someday? We both feel so burdened to not live permanently in the comfort of the western world and instead to reach other people groups. Of course God is at work in our current community which we are privileged to be a part of and I don't view any of the work here as insignificant. The Lord calls people to different places to do His work and for some that means staying exactly where they are. Our hearts just burn with a passion to do His work elsewhere someday. 

But the children over in Kenya, they amaze me. They are just some of the happiest kids I have ever seen. And it broke my heart watching their everyday routine, how little they have, yet how joyful and excited they are to spend time together and with anyone who will play with them. The pace of life over there was just enjoyable, no stress over online activity or how many likes you have on social media. Just quality time with people, loving on others and enjoying late night conversations with the pastors. My heart is just full. I have no other words to describe the feeling. 

I never got to join the children for their evening devotions as our evening schedules didn't permit that to take place. If I go back, I really want to make that happen. We heard them singing praise songs late in the evenings a few times and it was incredible. 

He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea."

Matthew 18:2-6

It took everything in me to leave, I wish we had the option to just stay permanently right now. To take on the task of loving these little babes, who were being cared for by 2 selfless amazing women 24/7. To contribute even a little to what the Lord is doing through this ministry. It feels so uncomfortable coming home and discussing Thanksgiving dinner, knowing their are hungry children where I was just a week ago. Or Christmas knowing that they don't even have a toy to call their own while most children in America have more than they could ever possibly hope to play with. 

It feels so unbalanced yet its strange to see which of the children are probably happier. (Not all, just general observations) It's very hard not to dislike the western world after going somewhere like Kenya and coming back feeling guilty about where the Lord has currently called us to. I'm still figuring out what to do with these feelings. 
Until then, I'm praying over and yearning for these kids again.....looking forward to seeing what the Lord does with this passion we both have for them. 

Plus, watching my hubby interact with the older school kids just melted my heart. That man is incredible with them, wanting to know their stories and make them feel special even if he only has a few minutes with them. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me when observing those precious moments, I was too busy etching them into my permanent memory. But it is hopefully something which will occur again and again in our future together. 

What they told us about Timing.

Disclaimer: no we are not expecting twins, we have been married four years, hence the number in the pictures :) 

It's kind of funny really, just how openly some pretty private things are discussed really. The timing for starting a family when you are a young married couple being a major one I've noticed since we got married.
When we were first married, everyone just commented on how fun it would be when we were at the stage for children, how we should enjoy the precious honeymoon stage together before they came along. How its a great time to get to know each other. How there was plenty of time in the future for rearing children, after all we were married pretty young.


Then after a year went by, several people close to us started to ask questions, they would ask about our timing for children, if we had any thoughts. Where we were in terms of our thinking about them.


After two years, even people who didn't know us as well felt comfortable asking a little more. After replying with the length of time, they would usually comment about how we must be thinking about children soon. After all we had been married for a few years and the timing was great to start really considering children.


Another year went by and people who barely knew us at all would meet us and ask how long we were married, then comment about how time had passed and we were we seriously considering having children now. How it was perfect timing and if we wanted a larger family, we should start already.


Now its been four years of marriage and people have actually started asking if we just don't want children. How time is really getting on and if we want them at all, we should get going. I find this so funny, as we have never previously mentioned that we don't want children. Or even what our thoughts have been. It just seems to be a topic that people are free to ask without pausing to think about other possibilities.

My friend, Wynne wrote a beautiful post about infertility. About her struggle with it for many years, and I have several other friends for who this is a real struggle. Now I'm not saying that is why we haven't had children so far, please don't hear me writing that. But what I am saying is that I think in general so many of us are unaware or don't think about the possibility that couples may be struggling with infertility and we may not know. So our pointed questions of when they plan on having children could be like pouring salt into a wound, a very deep real wound. Infertility and struggling to conceive is not something that is freely talked about in churches and I so wish it was, so we could love on those facing this struggle. So we could be a little more sensitive in our questions and not put our feet in our mouths so frequently without meaning to.


I personally am trying to be so careful about even just lightly teasing our married friends about timing for children, never knowing whether infertility is something they struggle with or if there are other very real issues preventing them from trying to start a family. We all have such deep hidden issues that aren't known to everyone in our lives, and sometimes I think we should remember that we never know was is going on behind the cheery smiles & light answers to deep questions like these.


I am thankful for the sweet ladies that have written about this issue & remind us of the very real struggle going on behind closed doors. Reminding us that it isn't as simple as just deciding to have children and then conceiving. How ultimately the Lord is in control of our families, size & everything.
And His timing is perfect, even when it doesn't fit with what we would pick for ourselves. 

//The Dream//

{Via}

This.

Such a picture of heaven to me.

Of redemption & adoption.

Of how heaven will one day look.

Where physical appearance is irrelevant.

We are family.

This is my dream.

My someday.

What I am praying for. 

This post is part of my 31 day series for the month of October, 
fighting through the fears and sharing the confusing passions I have. 
Hoping to figure out the bigger picture of all these interests.

Africa Part 2: Where my Heart is.

{Via} {Via}

Side note: I am raising funds for Influence through Paypal on my sidebar & through my Etsy store. 

Please prayerfully consider supporting me on this journey.

When I arrived in Africa, our group had a briefing on safety while in Kenya and Tanzania.

I remember feeling as though I wanted to turn around and go right back home to my comfortable house, AC and lack of snakes. Right there and then I was completely out of my comfort zone.

God was already at work though.

He had provided a way for me to come on this trip and blown my mind and how He had orchestrated those events. Read HERE.

So despite feeling incredibly nervous, I knew the Lord had wanted me there for some reason and felt super excited about what He was going to do while we were there.

I wrote a lot in my journal while on this trip, the first night I wrote about Psalm 121 and turning to the Lord when storms hit in life. A lot about knowing God can do impossible things after seeing Him provide a way for me to be in Africa.

I learned a lot over the next few days about relying on God and not myself in a variety of different situations.

As much as I had gone to Africa to serve God's people, I felt like it was actually me who was changed the most on this trip. 

He brought me to be a part of a bunch of work which was already going on in a village nested on the shores of Lake Victoria. 

We freshened up after arriving at our 'home' and headed off into the bush where we met the community we would be serving and spending our time with. 

My love for children has grown immensely since that trip.

I always had a joy whenever I spent time teaching Sunday school at my church or babysat for family friends. But my love and passion for children grew after I went away for college.

Looking back at the photos from this trip, I was not the one in the group who immediately felt comfortable around these kids. Honestly, I think I was afraid they wouldn't like me.

Then after we had been working on a project at a widow's home all day, we arrived back at the church in the village where all the kids were waiting for us.

I didn't need to approach them, because as soon as I smiled and tried to talk to one of them, I found myself surrounded by smiles. Children wanting to be held, hugged and even though I couldn't speak their language, they didn't mind one big.

A smile crosses every language barrier.

Before I knew what was happening, several girls had me sitting on the ground and were braiding my hair.

I can't even describe how much joy was passed between myself and these girls.

I remembering feeling at the end of our trip that I could live in that village forever, that I wanted to know those girls and those kids. To play with them and love on them. 

I never knew most of their names, but I remember them. 

After these sweet girls had braided my hair, we sat around together laughing and playing on the church steps. One of the younger girls in the group came up to me and sat in my lap.

I was so happy that she felt comfortable enough to just sit there.

Then she fell asleep.

Oh my goodness, I think my heart could not have been fuller.

I remember going to Tanzania to build a water tank for a widow in the village and to share Christ with the people there.

But now looking back, my heart is totally in the little time we spent with the children there.

I remember feeling confused that I didn't know why the Lord had called me to Africa.

I stood overlooking the beautiful scenery one day and prayed asking the Lord why I was there.

I felt less useful as a leader on that trip than I had while in India a few weeks before.

One of the leaders who runs a center in the village talked to me about this and told me that perhaps the Lord had taken me there for a specific purpose, but I wouldn't know what it was until I was older.

Now I feel he was perhaps right on.

The past month or so I have felt such a heart for Africa.

Is it even possible to feel that way about a place I have been to once?

To be praying about adopting a child from there?

To feel myself literally breaking because I want so badly to go to a country and love the children there who are hungry and dying?

I have yet to understand where this is all going...

But I'm excited.

I can't wait to see what the Lord's plans are.

'For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

“He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

{Matthew 25:42-45}

There were so many other things I could have shared with you guys about this trip.

But I focused on where my heart is currently.

With the kids I met in Tanzania.

Much Love,

L

P.S. Look out for a new African bag in my Etsy store...coming soon.

{On my Heart} Again. [Disciplining Children]

I work with a number of different families throughout the week and each family has its own schedule, rules & ways of disciplining children. 

It is awesome to see such a variety of families and the way they raise their children.

Watching these children, so many different techniques come up: time outs, supernanny tips, hand flicks, spanking.

One of my own observations is that each children responds in different ways to whatever form of discipline you are using. Just as each of them has different personalities, they each respond differently to the same form of punishment.

This can be a challenge when one form of punishment appears harsher than another, 

but it works for one child and not the other.

I try to always make the punishments fair if they are needed when watching the kids. 

But it is a challenge at times.

Consistency is such a huge factor when raising kids (or watching other people's). 

They are always trying to figure out how much control they have over the decisions in their lives. 

Usually not much. But they will test you to see how much control you will let them have. 

Their behaviour is more challenging when their boundaries move 

because they test their level of control.

The more tired I am when watching the kids, the more I struggle to be consistent with disciplining them. This of course means they might test me more. Not fun when tired =)

As I am not their parent, I may be more limited in the way I discipline them as I am only there to fill in while their parents are elsewhere. 

But as I have worked with these families over time, I have noticed these general observations about all nine of the kids.

It has been such a blessing to see these different families doing life in their own unique way.

I have learned so many things about how to raise children before even having my own. 

I am so thankful they trust me with their precious little ones. They truly are a blessing in my life.

The more time I spend with them, the more I see flaws in myself as well.

This past week little L tried to put on his favorite CD 

while I was fixing the baby lunch in the kitchen. 

He must have struggled to turn it on (although had done it before) 

because he turned the volume up way too high. 

When the music came on full blast...

he ran into another room at the back of the house sobbing. 

After running into the living room and turning off the CD player, 

I headed to the back of the house where he was shaking and sobbing really hard. 

Whilst discipline may have been appropriate in this situation,

I felt compassion for this scared child (much the way the Lord does for us). 

I scopped him up and held him, he then sobbed 'I'm sorry! I'm sorry!' 

It reminded me of myself before the Lord when I am disobedient or get something wrong.

I cry out to Him telling Him how sorry I am 

and how scared I am by the outcome of what I did.

So I continued to hold little L and console him much the way the Father would me.

'...Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.' 

{2 timothy 4:2}

We talked together about little L's behaviour (disobedience) but there was no punishment this time. 

There is a time for grace, 

even when the human side of me might want to punish because I am frustrated with him.

Most of the time their disobedience has nothing to do with what they are being asked to do (or what not to do). It is about them trying to figure out how much control they have in life. 

Just like we do before the Lord and discover, we don't have much.

The more of my time and energy I devote to these little ones, the more they teach me about the Father and my own disobedience.

They show me my weaknesses & flaws, where I am inconsistent in my life.

The more I pour into them the more I learn how to die to self and serve these families well.

Even if my week is crazy busy full of activities with these precious little ones,

I am content.

'I Would like to be able to say that I always do exactly what the Lord asks of me. 

I would like to say that I always seek Him first when a difficult situation presents itself. 

While I am getting better at it, sometimes I don't. 

Sometimes I still think what I do with my life should be my decision. 

 God asks, and reasons, and encourages. 

He gently explains that I do not know what is best for me and that I do not always get what I want. 

And I just look at Him, not understanding at all what He's trying to say. 

Sometimes I even whine and sob and shriek, just like a tired, angry three-year-old...

...As I kick and scream and struggle, I remember: I like being in the center of God's will for my life. 

God's plan is usually pretty great. 

It is a whole lot better than mine anyway. 

 I am so glad that He does not allow me to win.'

{Kisses From Katie, Katie Davis, p.227}

Much Love,

L