Several months ago I went through a book with such a sweet group of ladies. And it wrecked me in such a beautiful freeing way. It was all about insecurities. And seriously, if you don't think you suffer from them (which I certainly didn't think I did), by the time you've read the first third of the book you might be second guessing yourself.
They don't always manifest themselves in the stereotypical girl who second guesses everything about herself. You know the obvious insecure girl who needs constant affirmation and encouragement to do things in life. Insecurity can present itself in other ways too. Like seeking approval from others, meanness to other girls, always needing to make amends to the point where it can't be others or God-centered. Or even just simply being so focused on oneself that you don't notice others.
It certainly wasn't my first choice for a study last summer when we sat down as a group and wrote a list of which studies by Beth Moore we wanted to look at together. But so far I think it was the best study I have ever done by her, and not because it read the easiest or most encouraging (Esther study was way better for that!).
This was the best in its step-on-your-toes, transform yourself, get the subtle mess out of you kind of way. And believe me when I say that so many times it was anything but pretty in the process.
I felt like girl who was a hot mess most of the time when we met together. Like Beth literally could see into my own personal journal almost every time I sat and read what she had to say. Probably because what came to light was something I had battled with for years, but maybe I was just never in the position to let it come out into the open and deal with it. Or maybe I just never wanted it to.
I dislike upsetting people, to the point where I will unhealthily behave or do things different so as not to anger or upset another person. At first glance that doesn't seem like a bad thing, as it can be a healthy way of being away of other people and sensitive towards where they are at. But I think the deeper side of that is why I choose to people-please a lot of the time. It's actually rooted in selfishness and pride.....I don't like to upset people because it makes me uncomfortable, I dislike the conflict. Its actually all about me as to why I choose to please others. That might not make a ton of sense, but believe me it was a huge revelation to me. Chasing the root of that insecurity and trying to change to a godlier response to others.
'Our culture has done us no greater injustice than
training us to avoid taking responsibility for our own issues.
In trying to relieve us of the whole concept of personal sin,
our culture's reordered values have cheated us
of the right to repentance and sublime restoration.
They have hijacked our healing.
A clear heart and a clean path are still only one sincere confession away.'
{So Long, Insecurity By Beth Moore}
I love these words.
May I never be so blinded to my insecurities that I forget to look upward.
