I sign into my Instagram account when I have a few moments in my say and see a gorgeous picture of a mommy cuddling her little one in a chair early in the morning. My heart swells with joy for this sweet friend.
It wasn't always as easy to be happy for others for me, in fact if we go way back to Jr high we can perhaps pinpoint the beginning of my dilemma. Maybe it began even earlier.
Walking the halls of my school doing a circuit of the Jr high hallway loop with some friends at lunchtime, yeah we thought we were so cool. We passed my current crush with a group of his friends. As we walked closer I saw he was holding hands with one of the girls with him. I was devastated.
And immediately hated this girl. Oh the drama when you're 13 right?!?! haha.
So anyway, time passed and I hopefully matured some. Grew up and then found myself in a relationship with my husband. We were together quite a while before getting engaged since we both lived in different countries. Then some similar feelings came flooding back when another friend of mine got engaged.
What?! But I was the one waiting patiently right? We had been praying for the Lord's leading in our relationship and trying to make wise decisions. I may not have hated this friend this time, but I totally envied her. It just didn't seem fair.
Even once I was engaged, I then watched several friends get married in a few short months after becoming engaged. Of course, I had learned my lesson right? Wrong!
They should WAIT THEIR TURN! I'M NEXT!!!
Is exactly what came out of my ugly heart.
I'm even ashamed to admit that in some of these situations, I wanted nothing to do with any of these girls once they had what I wanted.
Big green monster anyone?
Finally once married, I watched several sweet friends getting married shortly after us.
And know what came out of my ugly heart...but getting married was my moment.
We are still enjoying our own wedding and honeymoon period.
This was where I was stopped cold in my tracks.
This was ugly.
And NOT who I wanted to be.
This was not glorifying Jesus and loving others.
I wanted to be happy for my friends. To share in their joys as well as their sufferings.
So how did I begin to battle this? Because it has been just that, a battle.
A dying to self process.
I decided shortly after that I needed to start my making my actions seem happy for the other person and trust that my heart would follow. I may not have gone around bursting with excitement for expectant mamas (although I embarrassingly do that now in a very genuine way. haha oops!) It began as a simple act, like finding out a friend was engaged & instead of saying nothing, I would send a short note to them saying congratulations! Saying how excited I was and asking how the planning was going.
(I didn't want to be fake in my excitement, but just share their joy)
I started practicing this everytime a friend was expecting. I would send a little gift to show I cared. Or a congratulations card. Or a quick phone call or even a short email.
I began to see a heart change in myself. Instead of making a conscious effort to do these things, it became natural.
Practicing celebrating with others then turned into a general thrill and excitement over blessings in my friends lives.
Seeing a friend's belly swell with a little miracle and attending her baby shower, while I myself have not yet been blessed in that way. I no longer see things through green tinted glasses. I see precious little babies and am so thankful I get to share in the joy of those around me.
Weddings now make my heart soar as I see a picture of the way Christ loves the church, instead of feeling sad that someone else is having a magical day or seeing it as better than my own wedding.
Sometimes, it is still a challenge.
But its also a choice.
It feels so vulnerable to share these thoughts with you guys, because they seem so ugly now I have said them out loud. Yet I share them because it is a battle I have walked through and still choose to allow Christ to help me through. Through these thoughts, I hope you see Jesus, grace and what He is capable of doing in our lives when we have a willing heart.
Much Love,
L
P.S. Don't forget you have until midnight tonight (EST) to enter the Birthday Giveaway.
P.S. Don't forget you have until midnight tonight (EST) to enter the Birthday Giveaway.
I just love that you posted this today, because I spent a significant portion of this morning praying to Jesus that He would help me with my jealousy.
ReplyDeleteI think in many ways, He has already been helping me. I feel as though I can genuinely get excited for people getting engaged these days, knowing that one day, my man will be down on his knee too. But I still struggle, and I'm noticing that a LOT lately.
But I love how we can completely trust Jesus to help us through these battles. Once we confess to Him that we are struggling with sin, He is more than happy to help us get our feet on the path out of it. Love you girl :)
Thank you for writing this. I can relate in a way. I was the first of my close friends to be engaged and married (and trust me, none of us EVER saw that coming!), but we've been married for going on two years and due to school and job situations, we're going to have to wait at LEAST another two years before we can even start trying to have children.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, a childhood friend of mine who lives down the street from my parents, is 18 and INTENTIONALLY pregnant with her boyfriend. And still living at home. And did I mention she's NOT MARRIED?!?!? I was SO angry when I found out. Like you said, it's just not fair. It's one thing to watch my peers get married and have children. It's another to see teenagers making stupid, selfish decisions that mean they're having kids out of wedlock when I'm married and wanting to be a mama so badly, but because of mature choices we're putting that off for the time being.
That's where it gets hard. I'm not asking for an answer...except that I know that I need to forgive people like that, and by God's grace, I have. It's just beyond frustrating. Thanks for letting me vent a little...
Thanks for being so open. I struggle with jealousy issues too, though usually about different things, but all the same, I think your tips on how to change my thought patterns may help. Your post reminds me that I need to be more proactive in trying to get rid of my ugliness inside. I just can't seem to knock it and let go, it always comes back. :/
ReplyDeleteOh sweet friend! What wise words. I have struggled with this from time to time, an it is ugly. Thank you for the advice and godly perspective on this! <3
ReplyDeleteAlesha <3
Totally know where you're at! My sister got married a year after me, and while I was so happy for her, it was kinda hard not to be jealous (better photographer, "hey, no one cried when I bought MY dress!" etc. It's a work in progress!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing. I've been struggling with the wedding part of all this lately. It is so easy to turn someone else's moment of joy into frustration about your own circumstances, but then I always feel like a super big jerk about it. I want people to be nothing but excited when my time does come, so I'm learning to give them true joy in return. Now, I just have to deal with the impatience in waiting for my turn. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteI love this--love your idea and love your heart. I definitely needed this, and I'm going to start implementing it in my life.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I struggle with this too-for about as long as you mentioned. Isn't it sad how early things begin? I find myself in such a tough stage of life when so much is "supposed" to be happening. 10 weeks away from college graduation and why don't I have a full-time job with benefits yet?! Or a ring or house? Or a brand new car? I think I've thought them all the past few weeks. I definitely need to begin implementing this in my life!!
ReplyDeleteXOXO
As a husband-less, child-less 28-year-old, I get this completely. Some days I wonder how in the world I could feel so much jealousy, and I know it's not right and to wait on God's timing, and all of that...it's definitely hard! Those feelings are pretty ugly and thanks for the reminder that it's often a daily thing even to be content! :)
ReplyDelete~Kelly
www.leafynotbeefy.com
The green eyed monster never goes away if one doesn't do what you did: Attack it head on and make a conscious effort to change. Love your honesty.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the God work.
This is absolutely so right on. I think we all struggle to some degree with envy, but I love your honesty and resolve to change your thinking!!! thanks for sharing girl!!
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling, my husband and I dated for like 7 years before he asked to marry me, so it was a really really big deal for us.....but I felt my moment in the spotlight, so to say, was ruined, because his brother went and asked his girlfriend to marry him like a day or two after he heard about us.(if I were her, I would have thought that it was just because his brother popped the question too or something...wouldn't you think that too??)We had planned to have the wedding about a year later, but they had theirs like 3 or 4 months after the proposal, so it felt like they totally stole our thunder, I mean everyone was supposed to be excited that year about our marriage and preparations and all that...but after theirs it's like we were just next in line, even though it was our proposal that started the whole chain of events...life moves on and I can say that I am very happy that they are married and not 'living in sin' so to speak, its a good thing even though their timing was horrible, I sincerely think his brother just wanted to beat him at doing something for once...I feel like it ruined the experience for us, but I know for sure that we married for the right reasons, I can't say the same for them though....as I said life moves on and we just have to thank God for the good things and deal with the bad the best we can.
ReplyDelete