Word of the Year. [Trust]

Well my theme here has been crickets chirping as life has been too full and busy to allow time for blogging and other things. 
Since Aria has been born I have been home recovering & getting used to lack of sleep of course, giving me some extra time while she naps during the day (now she's a little bigger anyway). 
I realized its that time of the year again when everyone reflects back on the year, the Lord's faithfulness and some people even select a word for the year as a theme.


I never actually shared my word for 2015, I just never got around to it. We had a lot of heartache going on this time last year and truthfully I fell into a grieving process that lasted a few months after having a chemical pregnancy last December. I couldn't write during that time, couldn't put into words all that I was feeling. 
It's a strange thing miscarriage, and everyone responds differently. Especially chemical pregnancies, but believing what I do about life and when it begins (at conception) that child was as much a child as if I had been full term in a pregnancy to me. I experienced every emotion you can expect to feel as that was going on and didn't have the heart to share while I was walking through it. There were many tears, anger at what was happening, disbelief and then acceptance as I know someday I will meet that sweet baby in glory someday. 
I spent a lot of time praying and felt extremely sad that we never knew the gender, the Lord impressed on my heart during those long sessions of tears and prayer that it was a boy I would see in heaven someday. That gave me His peace and comfort in a lot of way, even though of course here on earth I will never know the confirmation of that truth. We never picked a name, although I know for some women that also brings comfort in naming those sweet babies. For us, it was just 'peanut' and to this day I think of that sweet baby when I hear that name. 


In all that, I never shared the word He impressed on my heart for 2015. Which was trust.
Learning to surrender a lot of things to Him. Its been a whirlwind this year and full of lessons of trust, the first few months surrendering the timing of our family to Him. Trusting that His timing was perfect, even if I was more than ready and done waiting to have a child in my arms after nearly five years of marriage. 
There were health scares, relational problems and then in March after I was distracted and finally no longer focused on having a positive pregnancy test, there it was. Two pink little lines staring at me right in the face. I cried tears of joy and immediately texted Andrew at work. 
I tested every single day for about two weeks to make sure that pink line stayed strong, my poor hubby was extremely patient with me & I'm so thankful for dollar store pregnancy tests. I was still learning how to trust Him. I am still learning.

Then around thirteen weeks pregnant, we were due to fly out to California for a dear friend's wedding. The night before I started bleeding. And once again it was a lesson in trust. I was so scared as we drove to the ER and begged the Lord to spare this child and cried out that my heart couldn't do this again, couldn't loose another baby. I know so many women experience the loss of child after child, and I'm not sure how they find the courage to stay brave and keep trusting. But after we got there I felt peace. The reassurance that no matter what, He was in control and no matter the outcome, He was still good.
By His grace, my little one stayed safely in my womb and I had the precious birthday gift (it was also my birthday and mother's day) of seeing that little one bouncing around like crazy during an emergency ultrasound. There was absolutely nothing wrong and determined that I was only bleeding a little from a burst blood vessel in my cervix. Nothing life-threatening to my child. But still an exercise of trust. Of the Lord saying, will you trust me to choose what is best for you? No matter what that looks like. 
Reluctantly, my heart began to bend and say Yes Lord, I will trust you with this baby! 

It was nerve-racking the next few months and slowly my heart learned to trust Him with the pregnancy. Trust that He was good, that He would protect my little one as He saw fit and trust that He was in control and not me. Then after sweet little Aria arrived I had another huge test. 
Delivery itself was a huge gift and a great experience. I couldn't have asked for better care or for a smoother experience. A true moment of grace from Him. Then I started to develop postnatal anxiety and my world flipped on its axis. It was like a bad dream and an out of body experience, sleep deprivation is no joke when your hormones are out of wack and your body just isn't doing what you want it to do/what its supposed to do. 
Once again though, my heart had tried to control things I couldn't. I wanted to protect my little girl from everything and obviously I don't have the ability to do so. It manifested itself in postnatal anxiety and obsessive compulsive thoughts. Possibly one of the scariest experiences of my life, I was hospitalized for a while. But He provided, through mentors/counselors/sweet medical students who shared scripture with me in those dark moments. And I am now a firm believer that medication has its place for treating some chemical imbalances. Praise Him that He is slowly bringing me out of that dark dark place. If you have postnatal depression/anxiety, my heart really goes out to you for it is extremely scary and can feel so isolating. Know that you are not alone, and talk about it! Tell someone what is going on, it is the only way to fight for freedom from it and experience His rescue. My heart hurts for those women. 


Only God can control things & I had made an idol out of control. So He took several things out of my control and showed me where He needed to be in my life once again. It's a new lesson and one I am still wrestling with.  
I had wanted to breastfeed, but through my own need for medication I could no longer do so safely while in the hospital. I freaked out about financially affording formula, and once again it was a lesson of trust. I felt so silly after freaking out about that decision and seeing person after person show up with a container of formula for my little girl. Provision. A whisper from Him of See how I can provide, just trust me. We have yet to purchase any formula ourselves and there is easily several months worth on top of my fridge. 
Everytime I have freaked out about some transition that has happened, He has slowly showed me that He can absolutely be trusted. That He is good and that by fighting Him for control, I just make it harder for myself. It is not the way to live freely or fully for Him. 
And I desperately want to model for my daughter how to live freely and fully. To have a heart surrendered to Him, to live life to the full to bring Him glory and nothing else. That she would turn to Him at a young age. And that requires us modelling it for her. That requires my own continued sanctification. 


So all this to say, my word for 2016 is going to stay the same. 
Trust.


It's a lesson I still need. To keep staying surrendered to His roller-coaster for my life. 
To trust that the ups and downs are there to mold me and to bring Him glory. 

What Kenya Taught me about Fear.

What I have probably never shared before, as I tend not to speak it out loud very often, is that I have a fear. A very irrational fear, one that started just before I got married & seems to keep growing in size. A fear of flying. 

I know. I know. I've heard all the answers for how to get rid of it. But its seriously like being afraid of heights (which I think may be related as tall buildings now terrify me too) you can't simply just explain it away or pretend it doesn't exist. 

Several things help, but really its something that I have to pray through many time throughout the entire duration of any flight. The frequency of flying may make a difference as well. Before we got married and were travelling back and forth across the Atlantic frequently I had less of a fear of flying, then it increased with no bad experience to provoke it, just like I suddenly woke up and realized just how strange it sounds to travel in a metal tube with wings up in the air.

So with our decision to go to Kenya last month, there was a huge understanding for me that this meant getting on a plane. Several planes. 5 different flights to be exact. 35 hrs of being in the air. It was a stretch for me.

Especially when we seemed to encounter problem after problem with our flights on the way to Kenya. Our first flight departed 6 hours late due to mechanical problems with the plane (that information really made me feel so much better!). Then another flight was delayed due to a medical emergency, which really wasn't an emergency at all thankfully. One went through a storm and of course turbulence (which actually has a calming effect on me, I did say it was irrational).

The drive that kept me going of course, was the fact that I really wanted to go to Kenya. We both felt strongly that we were being called to go together & serve for the brief time we were there. And that meant being obedient and getting on that plane. 

It requires putting my trust in God and His plans for my life. Just putting one foot in front of the other and believing that He has good plans for me. Sometimes it feels beyond me to be able to do that. Especially in a fear this real.

But the one motivator I had in all this, was something that I shared during our daily devotionals as a group on our trip. As much as I am afraid of things in this life, it doesn't outweigh the fear I have of missing out on what God has for me because I was afraid. The fear of not doing something out of fear. 
Missing what He has called me to do. Missing out on being a part of what He is doing on this earth. 

So I keep battling & praying that He removes this fear someday! Battling my fears so that I can be a part of something bigger than them and bigger than me. 
Glorifying Him, even when its hard and brings me tears of fear. 
Knowing that He comforts me and protects me. I am never really in control ever in this life, this is all Him. 

And the glimpse it gives me of His creation is pretty incredible. 

I loved reading Nicole's perspective on fear today.

I'm already a dancer.

As I was scrolling through YouTube last night, I found myself watching hilarious videos, sentimental videos and just enjoying how beautiful life can be at times. I then watched a video where a chat show host had a little 3 year old girl who can dance (better than I could ever hope to - I might add) on her show. She asked the girl if she hoped to be a dancer when she grew up. The little girl looked puzzled and just simply said, I'm already a dancer. 

And right there it struck me. 

How often I am not childlike in using my gifts and talents. How I find any excuse to not call myself a photographer or an artist or a writer. Am I alone in this? 

I keep thinking well if I just get to this level, then I can call myself that. Or thinking that perhaps I need to be the best at something to have truly arrived, to truly be able to say that the Lord is using that gift in my life.

And that's so silly.     

Because the Lord uses our gifts in our brokenness. And praise Him for that. Because for most of us, we will never be the best at anything. And that's ok, because it shouldn't be our goal to aim to be the best. To compare our gifts to the gifts of others. We have all been given a different mix of talents. So we can't possibly expect to measure up to anyone else. 

We are just called to use our gifts to bring Him glory, to show others Him. If we are doing that, then we are totally an artist. Even if the art gallery never amounts to more than artwork on our own fridge. Our call is to faithful obedience, and the Giver takes care of the rest. So be encouraged if you feel you aren't getting results you are looking for, those aren't for us to worry about, just keeping doing whatever you have been gifted or called to. And if you have been blessed with a gifting, Praise God for using you! What grace that is! 

Trust the giver that He has a perfect beautiful plan for you even if you can't see it. And don't be discouraged friend! Keep shining for Him! 

With Love from the photographer. 

{On My Heart} Mondays. [When God says No]

The phone rings and I answer it, to hear a dear friend's voice saying, 

'Are you busy? Can we talk?' 

I know this means she needs to talk about something. As she shares what's plaguing her heart to me, I cry with her when needed and share her pain. 

The door has closed on a situation she so desperately wanted to walk through. That boy didn't return her feelings, she struggles with feeling she will never be with someone. Dreams and prayers are answered. But not in the way we expected. 

When God says No....it can be extremely painful.

We don't understand everything He does. His knowledge is infinitely greater than ours, after all He created us. Not the other way around.

“The temple I am going to build will be great, 

because our God is greater than all other gods.

But who is able to build a temple for him, since the heavens, 

even the highest heavens, cannot contain him? 

Who then am I to build a temple for him, 

except as a place to burn sacrifices before him?

{2 Chronicles 2:5-6}

He knows all things about us, He knew us before we were even born (Psalm 137). 

There are things in our lives we all want. Whether it is a relationship with a guy, a specific career, a  calling to go and serve in Africa, a baby.....I'm sure you know what your dreams and desires are. We are reminded in scripture that if we delight ourselves in Him, love Him with all our being....our desires line up with His will for us. We long to see things which He longs to bring about here on earth. 

‎"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. 

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: 

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, 

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. 

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him…" (Psalm 37:5-7a, NIV)

So what happens when God answers our prayers of desperation with a 'Not right now, Child' or a solid 'No.' This is extremely hard for us, we don't see the whole picture as He does. He knows our desires and what we long to see fulfilled in our life. He knows what is not His best for us, even if we think it looks good. Sometimes that guy turns out to be not as wonderful as he first seemed. But it is usually in hindsight that we are able to see this. At the time, we don't understand, we are crushed and we sometimes feel ourselves pulling away from the Lord because we didn't like His answer.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror;

 then we shall see face to face. 

Now I know in part; 

then I shall know fully, 

even as I am fully known.

 {1 Cor 13:12}

So how should be act during these trying times, when 'No' or 'Not now' is what we are hearing from the Lord.

We need to remember truth, even though we might be feeling pretty crummy. But the truth is that the Lord is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow (Hebrews 13:8) just because He has said 'No,' does not mean He is not still good. He is good whether our situation is one of joy-filled delight or one of absolute sorrow. We don't understand everything going on in our lives, and we won't. He asks us to trust Him regardless of our circumstances.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight.

{Proverbs 3:5-6}

I came across an excerpt written by Charles Swindoll about David's character and how he responded when the Lord answered him with a 'no'. We read in 1 Chronicles 28 about how he desired to build a temple to the Lord. A dream which he longed to see completed in his lifetime. The verse above in 2 Chronicles 2 is part of the chapter where the temple is built. However David was not the one who saw it into completion, but his son Solomon. How did David respond to this? This was his dream right!! But read that again....it was his dream, not the Lord's. 

Praise God when our dreams do line up with the Lord's. When we are seeking after Him & following Him, praise Him that we do see those dreams and desires become a reality. But we are sinful people, our dreams and desires are not always in line with God's plans. Even those which at first glance seem really good and godly. 

Because even though we want good things, we don't have the knowledge He does about the whole situation.

His ways are perfect, not ours.    

At the end of his life, David chose to focus on all that God had allowed him to do in his lifetime. 

David praised the LORD in the presence of the whole assembly, saying,

   “Praise be to you, LORD,
   the God of our father Israel,
   from everlasting to everlasting.
Yours, LORD, is the greatness and the power
   and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,
   for everything in heaven and earth is yours.
Yours, LORD, is the kingdom;
   you are exalted as head over all.
Wealth and honor come from you;
   you are the ruler of all things.
In your hands are strength and power
   to exalt and give strength to all.
Now, our God, we give you thanks,
   and praise your glorious name.

 “But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? 

Everything comes from you, and we have given you only what comes from your hand.

{2 Chronicles 29:10-14}

Here is a man who was not bitter toward the Lord for not seeing a dream fulfilled. He chose instead to focus on how gracious the Lord was to him. He understood the Lord's character in ways I can hope I will someday. Here was a man known for being after the Lord's heart who still heard a 'No' from God.

He realised that it was not the Lord's plan for him, but for his son. He is not jealous or bitter. He is full of praise and admiration for the Lord's goodness.

So in those moments, we need to chose to remember His sweet truth.

To remember that He loves us. He knows what is best for us, not ourselves.

As it says below in Isaiah, when we wait patiently on the Lord 

we shall renew our strength. 

We will wake up and feel content soon. These feelings of desperation of dreams shattered will fade, when we look to Jesus. 

He is the same always.

 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;

 they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary;  

and they shall walk, and not faint.

{Isaiah 40:31)

   

Every good and perfect gift is from above, 

coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, 

who does not change like shifting shadows.

{James 1:17} 

We can totally trust Him with those dreams.

Let us remind each other of this truth in those moments of sorrow.

No matter how He answers, It will be 

Good.

Much Love,

L 

{P.S. For those of you that know me personally, the pictures in this post are no way related to the girl mentioned in the post}