Word of the Year. [Trust]

Well my theme here has been crickets chirping as life has been too full and busy to allow time for blogging and other things. 
Since Aria has been born I have been home recovering & getting used to lack of sleep of course, giving me some extra time while she naps during the day (now she's a little bigger anyway). 
I realized its that time of the year again when everyone reflects back on the year, the Lord's faithfulness and some people even select a word for the year as a theme.


I never actually shared my word for 2015, I just never got around to it. We had a lot of heartache going on this time last year and truthfully I fell into a grieving process that lasted a few months after having a chemical pregnancy last December. I couldn't write during that time, couldn't put into words all that I was feeling. 
It's a strange thing miscarriage, and everyone responds differently. Especially chemical pregnancies, but believing what I do about life and when it begins (at conception) that child was as much a child as if I had been full term in a pregnancy to me. I experienced every emotion you can expect to feel as that was going on and didn't have the heart to share while I was walking through it. There were many tears, anger at what was happening, disbelief and then acceptance as I know someday I will meet that sweet baby in glory someday. 
I spent a lot of time praying and felt extremely sad that we never knew the gender, the Lord impressed on my heart during those long sessions of tears and prayer that it was a boy I would see in heaven someday. That gave me His peace and comfort in a lot of way, even though of course here on earth I will never know the confirmation of that truth. We never picked a name, although I know for some women that also brings comfort in naming those sweet babies. For us, it was just 'peanut' and to this day I think of that sweet baby when I hear that name. 


In all that, I never shared the word He impressed on my heart for 2015. Which was trust.
Learning to surrender a lot of things to Him. Its been a whirlwind this year and full of lessons of trust, the first few months surrendering the timing of our family to Him. Trusting that His timing was perfect, even if I was more than ready and done waiting to have a child in my arms after nearly five years of marriage. 
There were health scares, relational problems and then in March after I was distracted and finally no longer focused on having a positive pregnancy test, there it was. Two pink little lines staring at me right in the face. I cried tears of joy and immediately texted Andrew at work. 
I tested every single day for about two weeks to make sure that pink line stayed strong, my poor hubby was extremely patient with me & I'm so thankful for dollar store pregnancy tests. I was still learning how to trust Him. I am still learning.

Then around thirteen weeks pregnant, we were due to fly out to California for a dear friend's wedding. The night before I started bleeding. And once again it was a lesson in trust. I was so scared as we drove to the ER and begged the Lord to spare this child and cried out that my heart couldn't do this again, couldn't loose another baby. I know so many women experience the loss of child after child, and I'm not sure how they find the courage to stay brave and keep trusting. But after we got there I felt peace. The reassurance that no matter what, He was in control and no matter the outcome, He was still good.
By His grace, my little one stayed safely in my womb and I had the precious birthday gift (it was also my birthday and mother's day) of seeing that little one bouncing around like crazy during an emergency ultrasound. There was absolutely nothing wrong and determined that I was only bleeding a little from a burst blood vessel in my cervix. Nothing life-threatening to my child. But still an exercise of trust. Of the Lord saying, will you trust me to choose what is best for you? No matter what that looks like. 
Reluctantly, my heart began to bend and say Yes Lord, I will trust you with this baby! 

It was nerve-racking the next few months and slowly my heart learned to trust Him with the pregnancy. Trust that He was good, that He would protect my little one as He saw fit and trust that He was in control and not me. Then after sweet little Aria arrived I had another huge test. 
Delivery itself was a huge gift and a great experience. I couldn't have asked for better care or for a smoother experience. A true moment of grace from Him. Then I started to develop postnatal anxiety and my world flipped on its axis. It was like a bad dream and an out of body experience, sleep deprivation is no joke when your hormones are out of wack and your body just isn't doing what you want it to do/what its supposed to do. 
Once again though, my heart had tried to control things I couldn't. I wanted to protect my little girl from everything and obviously I don't have the ability to do so. It manifested itself in postnatal anxiety and obsessive compulsive thoughts. Possibly one of the scariest experiences of my life, I was hospitalized for a while. But He provided, through mentors/counselors/sweet medical students who shared scripture with me in those dark moments. And I am now a firm believer that medication has its place for treating some chemical imbalances. Praise Him that He is slowly bringing me out of that dark dark place. If you have postnatal depression/anxiety, my heart really goes out to you for it is extremely scary and can feel so isolating. Know that you are not alone, and talk about it! Tell someone what is going on, it is the only way to fight for freedom from it and experience His rescue. My heart hurts for those women. 


Only God can control things & I had made an idol out of control. So He took several things out of my control and showed me where He needed to be in my life once again. It's a new lesson and one I am still wrestling with.  
I had wanted to breastfeed, but through my own need for medication I could no longer do so safely while in the hospital. I freaked out about financially affording formula, and once again it was a lesson of trust. I felt so silly after freaking out about that decision and seeing person after person show up with a container of formula for my little girl. Provision. A whisper from Him of See how I can provide, just trust me. We have yet to purchase any formula ourselves and there is easily several months worth on top of my fridge. 
Everytime I have freaked out about some transition that has happened, He has slowly showed me that He can absolutely be trusted. That He is good and that by fighting Him for control, I just make it harder for myself. It is not the way to live freely or fully for Him. 
And I desperately want to model for my daughter how to live freely and fully. To have a heart surrendered to Him, to live life to the full to bring Him glory and nothing else. That she would turn to Him at a young age. And that requires us modelling it for her. That requires my own continued sanctification. 


So all this to say, my word for 2016 is going to stay the same. 
Trust.


It's a lesson I still need. To keep staying surrendered to His roller-coaster for my life. 
To trust that the ups and downs are there to mold me and to bring Him glory. 

Hope. It's what we need.

This song speaks deep into the feelings I have about seeing this year end. Actually it's my go-to when I need a pick me up battling feeling overwhelmed. Which has been a few times this year if we are admitting things. 

I had to head back into the archives to even find out what my word was for 2013. And friends I had written some words that absolutely describe how this year has been for us. 

'...I decided on 'promise' for this year ahead as I feel there will be several big changes coming up for us. Definitely moving again (look out for that one soon),

 maybe job changes and other things.

So I feel that 'promise' will be a good reminder to hold onto God in all the change that is likely to be coming our way in the year ahead.'

(full post here)

Cue tears for this girl, this year has been crazy. Like an uphill battle in some ways. Just events which have left me feeling like I'm flat on my face with nothing but the Lord to hold onto in all the change. I don't know that I realised just how much of a reality those words I wrote last January would be lived out this year. Change is hard friends. Change is not always good. Change has seen me write words so brutally honest in my journals and dashboard that are full of emotion and words which I will probably never see published. They are far too raw and personal for me to be comfortable sharing that openly. There is a sacredness to them, and I will definitely be saving them for years to come to look back on and see the Lord's faithfulness.

I'm not super sad to be saying goodbye to 2013, in all honesty I am thankful for the growth which took place in her daily events, but would not wish to go back and live it again under any circumstances. 2013 was hard, a really hard year. It compares with one other year in my life under which I felt like things just wouldn't continue. Couldn't ever be the same again. 

I am certainly no longer the same girl that sat here and wrote those precious words almost 12 months ago. It's probably a good thing she didn't know what was coming. In some ways I feel the growth was so worth it, so worth the pain. 

I am not trying to tease with giving no details of what happened. I apologize if it seems that way, friends. This is more of a sigh of relief from my soul that hopefully 2014 will hold more joyful events than 2013. That heartache won't be as present, that as the scriptures tell us there is a season for everything, I am holding onto the hope that this year is a new season. A season of joy, hope, laughter and redemption. 

I am hoping to love better in general, to love deeply those around. To see others as our sweet Father sees them more than I currently do. To continue to lean on God for strength, worth and value. To remember that my identity is in Him alone. To be free from the opinions and comments of others. I crave hope just like everyone else. 

So for this year, this is the word I will hold onto......hope. 

There is always hope. 

Hope is what we crave, and that will never change
So I stand and wait
I need a drop of grace to carry me today,
A simple song to say
It's written on my soul:
Hope's what we crave

I won't turn to dust now
Let these tears rust now on my face
Give me the spark now
To believe
To see

(For King & Country)

I am hopeful that I will look back on this post a year from now and be able to see how that little word held huge meaning. How it carried us through into a different season. 


Have any of you decided to pick a word for this year? Have you looked back on this past year in light of a word that you picked last January? 

Much Love!  

Its here! Year of Promise!

I have so enjoyed reading everyone's posts about their year in review.

What an awesome way to catch up on blogs. 

Since I have done a bad job of reading blogs lately, this has worked well for me! oops!

After reading sweet Casey and dear Heather talk about their words for the year, 

I was pondering whether I wanted to have a word for 2013. 

Then yesterday, I decided on 'promise' for this year ahead as I feel there will be several big changes coming up for us. Definitely moving again (look out for that one soon),

 maybe job changes and other things.

So I feel that 'promise' will be a good reminder to hold onto God in all the change that is likely to be coming our way in the year ahead. 

I'm a huge fan of New Years. It seems so full of fresh starts and new beginnings.

Something which I love as I'm at times a little OCD  about things feeling fresh and clean.

But in all seriousness I really love the staying up till midnight with everyone (night owl much?), just enjoying each others company and then feeling excited about all that's ahead. 

As much as I love Christmas, in some ways I feel partial to New Years. 

Maybe its because it usually comes after a quiet week and I have time to quiet my heart and fully appreciate it. 

I also love how we never really know what celebrating New Years is going to look like. But I thought I would share a few fun times with you guys from several previous years. I laugh at how in several of these I still recall sounding like this guy from Toy Story. 

(And this year is no exception!)

(right) Last year, we actually didn't celebrate as we were up at 4am on the 1st to fly out to Phoenix to visit A's family.

 (left top) The Year we were engaged, we celebrated in London with some of my college friends.

(left middle) Growing Up, New Years meant hanging on this beach and watching the fireworks. How I miss those celebrations. So fun! One year we even had a lock in at the church with our youth group.

(left bottom) Then there was this random year when my sis, cousin and I were so bored in this small town that we decided to watch New Years around the world on the news and take tons of crazy pictures like this! 

That last one still makes me laugh! 

Anyway, how do you guys like to celebrate New Years?

Much Love,

L

Oh and enjoy this sweet year in pop songs by Anthem Lights! 

What a Crazy Adventure this Past Year Has Been!

Never did I dream that almost a year ago when I felt a nudge to open my private, invitation only blog to public readers that I would have this kind of an adventure.

I had absolutely no idea how many amazing women there were blogging. 

I am SO thankful the Lord led me to blog publically, 

to be bold enough to share my faith online and allow me to make so many lifetime friends!!

I have felt so privileged to meet you guys in the last year, you are just plain amazing! 

I've been challenged in so many good ways by you all, 

you have helped me grow in my faith and love for the Lord 

and really loved on me in ways I have never experienced.

Not that I should have been surprised since one of my nearest and dearest friends and I met in a similar way nine years ago now. Erin & I really should work on explaining that story to you sweet friends this coming year ;) 

So before looking back at this amazing year, I just want to thank all of you for being on this adventure with me! Whatever that has looked like to each of you! I am so thankful for your precious friendship and wish to continue growing together. 

So go grab a cup of coffee as we look back on how the Lord has been at work in this blog over the last year! I am in awe at His faithfulness and goodness.

This was when my new blog was born, so its almost Happy Birthday time!! You can read about the start of All Glorious Within and the reason behind the name here. This was when I really began to share things on my heart, once I felt lead to do so.

The Lord radically altered my understanding of friendship at the beginning of last year, helping me really see how mutually satisfying friendships are such a gift from Him.

He also helped me gain a greater understanding in the importance of seeking my husband's counsel on things. 

I went to Phoenix for the first time and started taking pictures on my DSLR in manual (no looking back at all!).

I went through a phase of feeling overwhelmed by blogging numbers in February and discouraged, the Lord spoke to me a lot about identity in Him.

I also linked up for the first ever Girl Behind the Blog (I have made SO many blogging friends through this linkup, Ashley you have such a beautiful community on your blog girl!)

The theme of learning about friendship was continued and a perfect Valentine shared.

I also shared a little bit behind loving your husband all the days of your life, not just once you're married and shared some heart's desires.

I travelled to Tennesee for the first time for a wedding in March. Loved the warm weather break from the Midwest craziness.

I shared about how I saved my First Kiss for Marriage.

There were moments of desperation and not understanding God's plans.

I also wrote a letter to 17-year old me, I hope she listened ;)

And co-hosted the Spring Fling Swap with Erin!! 

I learned about running to Jesus a lot.

April found me discovering encouragement in surprising places once I started looking for it. Like here and here.

It saw me continuing to wrestle with several struggles going on in life. Learning about being honest about the sin each of us struggles with.

Realising that we can only shine for Jesus if we allow Him to work the painful refining process in our lives. Understanding that each of us has different talents and will be used in different ways.

I also wrote my first ever fashion post. Little did I know what I was getting into ;)

May brought the beginning of a new season for us, I contemplated dating once married.

I also turned twenty-five and found myself perhaps in a different place than I thought I would be several years ago. (And had the sweetest guest post written for my bday)

I learned about seeing joy in difficult situations.

And seriously worked through issues on why I was blogging in the first place here.

I wrote my first ever series on the power of words. Never before had I spent so much time researching and preparing posts. Wrestling with thoughts on how words spoken should be encouraging, uplifting, appropriate and understand the heart behind our words. 

They can be found here, here, here and here. The Lord has been working these issues into my heart continuously since. 

I continued to think about how I wanted others to see Him through me.

How things happen perfectly in His timing, whether I like that or not.

The Lord started to work contentment, regardless of my circumstances, into my heart.

I shared more about purity and waiting, a topic near and dear to my heart, with you guys. And also how I pursue Christ in the relationship status I find myself in.

This was also the month that I began praying the Lord would open the door for me to attend the Influence Conference.

Little did I know what He had in mind ;)

I found myself getting braver about sharing my love story and wrote about waiting on God in that area.

I shared my heart for Africa here and here. A passion I am still waiting to see how He will use it to this day. But also met some beautiful friends with the same passion (Katie, Elise, Wynne, Tara) and have been so encouraged seeing how the Lord has used their willing hearts to teach me how to follow Him with this passion.

I continued the long journey of learning about friendships and had a wonderful family vacation at the Lake.

The Lord also taught me a lot about having a quieter spirit.

We celebrated our two year anniversary and packed up our first official home to move once again.

August found me learning a ton about where I find my worth and realising I had been believing lies about my identity, allowing other people to define me. 

I continued to hear the Lord talk to me about contentment in all kinds of settings and found the most precious bible study community.

I also began to develop a habit of thankfulness.

September was possibly my busiest month of the year. 

I confessed to you all about not being perfect, although it shouldn't have been a surprise ;)

Wrestled with thoughts on purity and media.

But the main reason I was so busy this month was because my sister got married and I was her maid of honor!! =) 

So we had her bridal shower, set up the reception, rehearsal, wedding, and celebrated the addition of a brother in the family. 

Then toured London (and here) before returning home.

Not to mention all of which took place the other side of the Atlantic Ocean.

October was very post intense as I joined 800+ ladies and did a 31 days of Thankfulness series. 

I was thankful for seasons in life and how faithful God is. I shared thoughts on 1000 gifts by Ann Voskamp to explain my heart behind thankfulness as a habit. 

I was also inspired to share thoughts on God's love and quietness in busyness of life.

There was a journal giveaway as I shared more of our love story, or a small detail of it ;)

I stepped outside my comfort zone and started a fashion series called Pearls and Tunes.

The Lord also wrecked my life (in a good way) at the Influence Conference.

(here, here, here, and here)

November found me wrestling contentment and purity, along with battling loneliness.

I was invited to join the Kite Project which I am seriously excited about, and really think you should join too! 

And found myself so encouraged by some beautiful ladies who agreed to share their hearts with you guys in the Gloriously Encouraged series.

December found us crazy busy in real life with Christmas soon arriving, but I also wrestled with thoughts on chasing God given dreams in preparation for the Kite Project.

I also participated in my first ever craft fair and wrestled alongside everyone in the nation over the tragedy in CT.

I battled the busyness of the season and tried to keep my focus in the right place, oh and learned to ski in the process ;)

I really hope you will join me as this adventure continues in the new year and together we will see how the Lord is at work! 

 Much Love,

L