Overcoming my Insecurities.

{via}

Several months ago I went through a book with such a sweet group of ladies. And it wrecked me in such a beautiful freeing way. It was all about insecurities. And seriously, if you don't think you suffer from them (which I certainly didn't think I did), by the time you've read the first third of the book you might be second guessing yourself.


They don't always manifest themselves in the stereotypical girl who second guesses everything about herself. You know the obvious insecure girl who needs constant affirmation and encouragement to do things in life. Insecurity can present itself in other ways too. Like seeking approval from others, meanness to other girls, always needing to make amends to the point where it can't be others or God-centered. Or even just simply being so focused on oneself that you don't notice others.


It certainly wasn't my first choice for a study last summer when we sat down as a group and wrote a list of which studies by Beth Moore we wanted to look at together. But so far I think it was the best study I have ever done by her, and not because it read the easiest or most encouraging (Esther study was way better for that!). 
This was the best in its step-on-your-toes, transform yourself, get the subtle mess out of you kind of way. And believe me when I say that so many times it was anything but pretty in the process.


I felt like girl who was a hot mess most of the time when we met together. Like Beth literally could see into my own personal journal almost every time I sat and read what she had to say. Probably because what came to light was something I had battled with for years, but maybe I was just never in the position to let it come out into the open and deal with it. Or maybe I just never wanted it to. 


I dislike upsetting people, to the point where I will unhealthily behave or do things different so as not to anger or upset another person. At first glance that doesn't seem like a bad thing, as it can be a healthy way of being away of other people and sensitive towards where they are at. But I think the deeper side of that is why I choose to people-please a lot of the time. It's actually rooted in selfishness and pride.....I don't like to upset people because it makes me uncomfortable, I dislike the conflict. Its actually all about me as to why I choose to please others. That might not make a ton of sense, but believe me it was a huge revelation to me. Chasing the root of that insecurity and trying to change to a godlier response to others.

'Our culture has done us no greater injustice than 

training us to avoid taking responsibility for our own issues. 

In trying to relieve us of the whole concept of personal sin, 

our culture's reordered values have cheated us 

of the right to repentance and sublime restoration. 

They have hijacked our healing. 

A clear heart and a clean path are still only one sincere confession away.'

{So Long, Insecurity By Beth Moore} 

I love these words.

May I never be so blinded to my insecurities that I forget to look upward.

Subtle sins.

We had a great discussion in our small group this week about irritability, impatience and anger. Anyone feel their toes being stepped on as much as I did? 
It's funny isn't it....how easy we justify and rationalize certain sins in our life. But if this person just wouldn't do that? If they just wouldn't say things like that? 
We discussed some important truth.

We are responsible for our own responses.

Doesn't matter what someone else says or does to us. We choose how we respond every single time. And if you're like me, a lot of the time you probably choose wrongly. 
Then try and justify it by covering it with excuses to make myself feel better. Something I really need to work on. 

We've been working through the book Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges, and in case you didn't pick up on this already it is not for the fainthearted. It will step on your toes like never before and convict you of some serious ugly in your heart which you had refused to acknowledge before. Things you may not have been aware you were holding onto, things which have been in your life for years and really they have been causing some serious damage. 

But its all covered with grace. And reassurance that without Him, we can't even begin to work on the ugly. We just can't. But through much prayer and surrounding ourselves with truth, we can begin to graciously change our responses and line them up to far better character qualities, those showcased in Jesus. 

Its a tough work, I tell ya. This maturity thing. And as one of our church leaders shared this past Sunday, something we are never finished in this side of heaven. The marker just keeps moving forward as we change and grow. I feel the more I grow and learn, the more ugly I see in my life. 

Good thing our God has a lot of grace for us, huh?

I look forward to the day when I don't have to ugly cry over sin anymore. 
Won't heaven be beautiful!!! 

The Busy.

I have been battling a lot lately with an aspect of my personality. It's not actually a bad trait and can often be seen as a really good thing. In fact reading through Proverbs this morning, I realised it is considered wise at times. It allows me to be productive and to get things done.

You see I am a perfectionist at times, a Type-A personality. Well most of the time don't look at the insides of some of our closets. I like to make lots of lists just to be able to cross off items, I also feel like I haven't achieved my goals for the day if I don't make it through the entirety of a list I made. 

But that's just it. 

They are my own goals. 

No-one else put these expectations on me. 

Although I'm pretty sure the hubby may need dinner at some point and clean clothes. 

Some days when I made it through only a handful of items on my list, I feel like a failure.

But I'm the one telling myself that.

So I am learning to make fewer lists. Or at least to be more realistic with how much I feel should be done on a given day. For example, cleaning our entire apartment, doing multiple large loads of laundry, completing a craft project, going shopping for groceries and running several errands may be a little optimistic. 

So while this trait is something any employer might love....hey I'm the girl who loves to meet those deadlines, it doesn't always cultivate relationships well.

My sweet hubby is not very Type-A and being married has been a beautiful refining process for me. Learning that there are so many ways to do things, to enjoy life.

While running errands for me energizes as I can cross items off on my list (anyone else with me?), to him running errands is extremely draining.

So what I have been learning is that being busy/productive is not always what is best. 

Some days need to be full of grace and quality time with others cultivating relationship.

Learning From Wise Women.

Sitting down on the first day of the Conference listening to Anne Bogel following the Emily Freeman session was the first time I had felt my head was clear since arriving. She offered some amazing advice and joked with the room about being in love with Anne of Green Gables. Woman after my own heart right there.

{Via}

I love Anne Shirley and her dramatic nature, her love for bosom friendship and the fun she and Diana have together. So right from that moment, Anne Bogel had my attention.
She talked about society and how there seems to be a right of passage to becoming an adult, you graduate college, then get married and have a baby. Then you buy a home and life continues through this pattern. When you don't meet the normal pattern, you feel as though you have failed.
Anne talked about how we don't have to be in a set place to be an adult, how life is about learning and growth, that the path is winding not linear.


She talked about real growth and how that can look a lot like being lost. That it takes time to put it all together!


She told the women in the room about how we should not please other people. That we shouldn't deal with the expectations of others as though we don't have God to turn to. As though we don't have value in His eyes.
She spoke about the importance of dealing with baggage. How we shouldn't ignore junk that is there but deal with it. Have a person we can talk to should the need arise from the events in our life  which have affected us. Remembering that we all grow through the hard times in life!

I learned about the importance of not being a complainer, which is why I am cautious about what I write on this little space. No-one really likes to hear complaints, I need to be careful with my words, to encourage not tear others down. I don't want to ever regret things that are written or posted. So my plan is just to not write them.
My blog should be a safe place for those who love me. So for that reason, I won't write anything that would hurt them or make them feel unsafe. Just throwing that out there for clarification.


I understand now what Anne meant by growth can look a little like being lost. Because that's how I started the conference off. And I am still processing and growing from all the events and speakers' messages. Hopefully I won't end up sounding like a broken record as I unpack it all slowly for you.


Let me throw some cake in.

Yep that was after lunch both days. Cake really helps when you are feeling sensitive and vulnerable from being trained and taught so much in a short space of time.

After Anne's session and an amazing lunch.....we had the life panel.

This panel was another one of the most influential sessions for me. Gather Jessi Connolly & her husband, Hayley, Emily Freeman, Sarah Matheny, Rachel Kincaid and there is such wisdom from so many different walks of life.
We had Jessi and her husband talking about how you can't really minister to others online if you aren't both on board. How we should invite our families into what we are involved in online, like the She Reads Truth community, its not an isolated thing when doing ministry through your blogging. Our families need to be on board and even involved. We need to protect them and make them a priority!
Emily reminding us that something it takes wrongly agreeing to do something in order to realise we need to actually say no. Saying a....

Brave Yes, Strong No. 

'If Christ is in You, then He wants to come out.

The Gospel is good news, no matter where you are!'

~ Emily Freeman

I have never wanted to quote anyone more than Emily Freeman whose every other sentence was said in a way I could only hope I might someday be able to communicate.

I have also never heard anyone talk and automatically want to be friends with as much as Rachel Kincaid, who is just an awesome woman! Her inside beauty just came pouring out as she answered questions in the session. Challenging each of us to live a poured out life with whatever the Lord calls us to.    

I walked in wanting to know more about strategy and how to build my blog.
But spent my entire first day meeting God in sessions about life and His Gospel. Encountering some amazing women with incredible God-written stories along the way.

The icing on the cake for me truly was dinner that evening which would take a whole other post to write about how it came into being by the Lord's hand. But I spent the evening eating, talking and sharing encouragement with Stephanie, Mackenzie, Megan, Brooke, Erin & Brittany.
Talk about bosom friends. I love these ladies. Definitely a God-ordained highlight.
I didn't get to spend anywhere near as much time with these ladies as I would have liked.
So you should head over and say hi to them for me, and let them know they are awesome! =)

Thankful//For Day One of the Influence Conference. 

Much Love,

L

DISCLOSURE: COMPENSATED AFFILIATE LINKS USED

(At Checkout Use code: welcomejournal) 

She Shares Truth.

I can't even begin to explain how much wisdom I have been absorbing from the book 'Pure' by Rebecca St James.

And this amazing bible study group....
She reads Truth.
They have been blowing my mind as I have worked through purity with RSJ in the mornings and
read proverbs with a community of ladies in the evenings.

(If you aren't already a part of the She Reads Truth community, you totally should join all the amazing ladies reading through the plans together)

I have been blown away these past few days by meditating on this verse from

Proverbs 14. About how wise women will build their home, and thinking about how building can be referring to trust, love, peace, building an environment in which love can grow and people can feel secure and encouraged.

Then it got me  thinking about how we are totally capable of tearing it down 

with our own hands.

And I'm fairly certain this wasn't talking about literally heading out and taking 

tools to the drywall. But rather, how by criticism or through bad attitudes, we can totally tear apart anything we try to create.

For instance, while watching 3 little children that I care for, I can put on worship music and create an atmosphere through activities we are doing and the tone of my voice which helps them feel comfortable, loved and able to be themselves.

It creates a loving, fun environment for all of us.

Should one of them then start behaving in a way which drives me crazy,

I can very quickly start wanting to change my tone to show my frustration or turn off the worship song because I am frustrated by the noise level which has just dramatically increased.

I feel God has been showing me that I need to be careful, particularly with my words and tone not to tear anyone down and change the atmosphere in my home to one were people feel unloved, not valued or uncomfortable because of my mood. 

I realise this verse is from a previous chapter than where we as a group are currently at, but my reflections have been a lot slower than my reading.

Sometimes reading the chapter in multiple versions at night helps. But often

my mind is drawn back to a verse a few days later.

What are you guys learning?

Any of you reading Proverbs with She Reads Truth?

Much Love,

L

Exploring Chattanooga....Part 2

As promised...here are the pictures from my nice SLR camera which I took in manual.

In love with taking pictures now.

Such a fun walk in downtown Chattanooga.

I'm enjoying the learning process.

So helpful that I actually won a giveaway a while back which was a book on photography.

Really helping me accomplish my new year goal of learning to use my camera well =)

Much Love,

L